May 31, 2007


it's been exactly a year since i quit my job. was goin thru old offcl mails/conversations, and got nostalgic abt some of the first reactions i got to my wedding announcement. blogging d ones which're ToM, so i r'ber them - always!

me *in feb*: i'm getting married in june, so am quitting by May last week.
have typed wot i WUD have reacted, but didn't *coz i was nice?* in pink. *guess why?*

Dr. Mo - my boss: "get married on a saturday. then u can fix an Idea meeting on friday and go to pune, and come back on monday morng. that way you'll get 2 days at home also. once your visa's done, we'll see when u have to quit."
*TWO days! WOW! i thot u'd say manage in d lunch break!*
JPS *good fren, client*: "wot rubbish! u talk crap! i have work. u can't get married. don't waste my time."
*i CAN'T get married?? hello...?* i MUST say - i got the sweetest mail from him on my last day at work :)
TJ *client II*: "does Mo know? *laughing* good! good! go ahead."
*no, it's top-secret. i only confide in u! m so glad u gave me d permission! bozo.*
mr. ray: "how can u get married??? i don't even know this dude" *I know him!?*
UP: "you are running away!! someone will send me content no?"
*NO, hungama's shutting shop to mourn my wedding! geezz!!!*
CAL: "u're breaking my heart. who will i talk to for new movies?"
*torture someone else now!*
Idea, pune: "are u going to move to pune or something??"
*don't panic. i'm quitting. i won't hassle u for content placement anymore!*

they sure made every li'l statement memorable! i wudn't have realized it's been a year if not for them! i do miss d madness...!

May 30, 2007

d final unmasking.

pixie tagged me to do 9 unknown thingz abt me. considering how much of me i've put into this blog, i sure can't say i'm a "private" person anymore. anywez - here goes:

1. i can't use hair-brushes. i need a wide-toothed comb. i also don't use hair dryers. and yes, i DO comb my hair. even if no1 *including me* can see the difference. my hair's like that. can't help.
2. i r'ber d page i was reading. even after months. i can pick up a book, go back to exactly where i left, and carry on. so i don't really need bookmarks. *but i still love them!* and i HATE dog-eared books.
3. i believe every individual resembles some animal. so my list includes a deer, who married doggie. a bandicoot, a bear, a bull, a chicken, a mouse, sheroo, lizzie and so on.
4. i'm happiest near water bodies. esp. beaches. i even miss d b'bay beaches! was a b'ful sight to pass juhu on a rainy morng...
5. i'm nocturnal. i'm awake after noon usually. and am brightest after 10 p.m. *of wherever i'm living*
6. till very recently, i cudn't listen to music without knowing the music label and who had the mobile content rights to that movie. i have been cured of this now. i think.
7. i love collecting stirrers. the kinds u get with ur drink in india? i have quite a few. and hate d fact that stirrers are replaced with straws here. i don't collect straws.
8. i think in english. if i have to speak in hindi or marathi, i first think of it in english, then translate. that's why i find it easier to do english translations in these languages.
9. i'm always politically correct and diplomatically rude. i also, never spare d intellectually inefficient. as a result, acc to 2 of my bestest frenz - i'm a bitch!

and for d last contribution, i TAG suruchi. fren, local guardian for a while. and fellow bitch! let's see u rake up d dirt on urself! anybody else - pls feel free to take up d tag. i aint very good at tagging! :)

May 29, 2007

celebrating SPAM!

this morning, when i got a mail. it sed "meenal_sinha has invited me..." since i HAVE a fren by that name *used to, rather. she changed her name. i didn't change my fren.* i clicked to read... and it said: "meenal invites u to be a part of kayasth matrimony".

kayasth matrimony? really? she does? wot's kayasth? matrimony? me? again...?! why...?

i really don't think she'd do anything like this. and to her credit, i don't think she'd be part of anything of d sort either! yes, i cud confirm it with her, but well, she is kind of indisposed at the moment. tending to more important things than my usual morning dopey-ness!

so well, here's to my first personal spam on gmail! cheerz!

May 25, 2007

makkadman fan!

this blog is getting too senti of late. and i, am not to be d liking it.

so, me shall be letting you have fun with d brave, d bold, d heroic - makkadman *click to see. if u've seen him already, see him again! won't kill ya!*

a fren fwd'ed him to me. and i thot as a reward for being loyal & reading/commenting on all that i've been writing, u guys have earned this!
and yes, enjoy the long weekend. *2 make all of u in des envy d working indians in d U.S., monday is a holiday here.*

p.s.: there are TWO (2) pieces posted today. if you see only ONE (1), d problem's pro'ly with u.

it's all in d mind...

woke up feeling a tad blue in the morng. then thot, let's dig in and see if i have my 'wizard of oz' with me. it's been one of my "happy books". along with alice, peterpan & d ilk. checked on books on table. checked in closet. not there. nearing panic, checked in "book corner" *yeah, i have one in my house*. checked in d storage box also. *yeah, u guessed right. we don't have a bookshelf anymore. the old one was emptied & kept on d patio to gather some sunshine. it got soaked in d rain.*

damn! where was my wizard of oz?? "home, in a 'safe' place. with most of your other books." piped up Voice-in-Head sarcily.

maybe it's the day that's doing it. maybe the distance. maybe just age. these days, with me, it doesn't take much for a passing thought to cascade, inadvertently trip over itself, multiply in magnitude, sulk, scream out intense emotions and eventually morph into pure nostalgia.

and so it was, with not finding my Wizard of Oz. at that instance, i knew what i longed for. no, not "books". no, it was nothing tangible. nothing material at all.

i missed the trail of my life. hoarded carefully. sometimes randomly, usually impulsively. over d years. every little detail. every moment. every association. it all amounted to something. or so i liked to think. small incidences and instances that i'd brought home to seek refuge with me that became permanent residents without me realizing it. sometimes, forgotten soon after getting them home. but always available. at-hand, as i like to say! always there when u reach out.

i miss those pieces. those symbols of continuity.

but no sooner did i think i knew, than did Voice-in-Head pipe up again: "what continuity? continuity is a myth. just like forever. what was, is only what you remember of it. your interpretations. shared memories. individual perceptions. and what 'is' is but illusions on the horizon - adaptable, malleable, infinite. reach out, get them & see what you make of them."

and as suddenly as it had piped up, Voice-in Head silenced down. moved on, maybe? leaving no trace that it had been there. that moment. in my head. except, of course, for me. and my perception *knowledge, maybe?* of me having heard. and may i say, comprehended.

May 24, 2007

some thingz...

some things have such strong associations.

- i can never have croissant and coffee without thinking of suruchi. and that early morng happy feeling. which only croissant, coffee and her company at that hour could induce.
- vague behaviour, piya basanti, understanding without speaking have and probably always will bring back recollections of minal. things, which nobody else can begin to understand... she makes it seem so normal. it's always nice to know that so much madness is normal.
- bright colors, hot, skimpy clothes, baileys, item numbers, dancing, fussing over me like i was d "specialest" person... they're so vibs! sometimes, i feel she's d sister i should've had!
- big words, incomprehensible sentences, foolish accidents... shud i call him "he-who-cannot-be-named?" no, not lord voldemort! a publicity-shy, mega-achiever fren of mine! *yeah, this type is nearing extinction.*
- late night conversations, brain-storming, workaholism, bong music... how else wud i have appreciated d finer things in life, rite joy?
- bright yellow, t-series, sleazy isolated approach lane, bollywood, excel sheets, good food, parle G, fun, madness, chaos, deadlines, numbers, himesh, lack of content, "zones", cliched phrases, bad coffee, good frenz, yellow stars & moons, lunch-hour shopping... hungama, aka home, for a period.
- space & time to sort out d mind, pathway near the lawns, 'pal', 'sacrifice', jagjit singh - all mixed up... chhota, cheese maggi, masti, cold cocoa, common bathroom *with lizards/frogs*, monitor lizards, good memories, chicken on wednesdays & saturdays, camel-cart rides under beautiful starry skies, truck rides to watch a movie, solitude, long walks... i see/hear ANY of these anywhere, i can't help miss MICA. *notice d lack of acads in that list?*

there's so much more... but this is a mere post. and i know, the longer i make it, the more nostalgic i'll feel!
memories, madness... is there a limit to it? am happy to realize there isn't!

May 21, 2007


i thot i HAD posted a piece before this cartoon *for lack of better words* and today, when i'm back after a sunday off, it's no longer to be seen.

could i have imagined posting it? wonder if i really am going crazy?

May 19, 2007

i wish...!

i wish, misleading people were a punishable offense!

May 18, 2007

i, me, myself

one of my fave lines has always been "i, me, myself". i have no clue where i came across this, or when or why i like it so much. but i do. i use it wherever i can. however i can. now that i have so much free time on my hands, i've been thinking. and i know y... there are 3 different people i can describe when i think of i, me and myself. so, here's giving a sneak-peek into the 3 different people rayshma is.

i : very shy, tho she prefers the term 'reserved'. always obedient, till it was within her comfort zone. i's 1st boss thought "i" needed to work on being aggressive. 2nd boss thought "i" was too aggressive *see? no consistency!* i has never been too ambitious. is happiest at home. studious, 'i' wants to learn as much as there is. i always maintained distinct personal & professional lives. i likes being liked. actually is nice to people so they may like her. can't receive compliments well, but likes them. i tries to be a good person. is always patient with the challenged *mentally, usually* i loves her hubby and can do anything for him. thinks with the heart, seldom with her brains. i tends to be nice to kids, though not too fond of them. it's about being perceived as nice, u see?

me: certified bitch. works hard, parties harder. completely anti-social, unless u happen to be within her circle. loves bollywood, bengali & bhojpuri and rock music! chats up cab drivers, sweepers, peons but is absolutely impatient with intellectually innocent people. comes back with sharp, witty one-liners at the right time with the right people. believes 'love' is an emotion found only in crappy bollywood capers. can't stand mush. can get away with anything - lies, inconsistency, indifference - anything. has the attitude to make god feel inferior! doesn't believe in god or religion. only god worshiped is happiness and me can do anything for that. lives for herself, and thereby, is extremely selfish. looks thru people she doesn't like, making them feel like something d cat dragged in. me IS aggressive. a control freak, me gets ballistic if things are not as she ordained. me has a very strong sense of identity and loves herself more than she can ever love anyone else. loves her hubby and her life, but will not hesitate to eliminate anyone or anything that seems to interfere with it. has very low tolerance levels for people with biased views. me prefers pets to kids. others' kids are strictly off-limits. doesn't think studies have ever helped anyone. doesn't give a damn about public perception.

and then of course, there's mystery's final page: myself.
constantly struggling to maintain the equilibrium between i & me. trying to balance the good and not-so-good within. myself ends up confused due to a lack of balance at times. not the best person to turn to for relationship advice. or any advice. least fave topic - kids. is completely insane. well, wot do u expect! try maintaining a balance between all those voices in ur head!
a hypocrite, at times - pretends to like kids she doesn't. pretends to be tolerant towards intellectually innocent people. pretends to want to study further.

pretends that i, me, myself are all the same person.

May 17, 2007

thot for d day...

"A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day"
- Calvin & Hobbes.

p.s.: this CUD be an explanation... for a lot of times & things i've been in.

May 16, 2007

life is simple.

a close fren of mine recently asked me "why did u marry V?"
and he set me thinking. i don't know. why does anybody marry anybody?

i gave him the usual gyaan that i give almost anybody who asks me for any gyaan on the topic. but i know. i hadn't used any theory. i hadn't made a bullet-point list of pro's and con's when it came to V. he asked me if i'd marry him. and i said yes. i didn't even realize that this was the first and probably, last time that any man would ask me to marry him. i didn't get butterflies in my stomach while i said yes. i don't think i even realized what i'd committed to till we were actually exchanging rings. after that, it was too late to think, wasn't it?! so i didn't think of it after that.

i'm not a very mushy, emotional woman. i know where my heart is on most days. and this non-thinking, going with the moment works for me. i seldom think about what i'm going to do. i'm impulsive. and so far, it's helped.

i wasn't "madly in love" with him, then. in fact, i wasn't "madly in love" with anyone. coz i didn't believe in being "madly in love". *conceptual issues!* it was a very filmy emotion for me. restricted to the crappy movies i keep watching. 'love' to me is a mix of compatibility, attraction, moments of passion and more than all, the WILL to commit the rest of your life to ONE significant other. *that's another topic for another day...*

his *my frenz, not V's* bone of contention was "how d'u know u won't come across someone better after u've taken the step and gotten married?" well, dear... i don't. nobody can predict the future. but for me, marriage was not about fairy tale romance. it was about waking up to face the same person every day. consistently. it was not about feeling the alleged "thrill" of being in love daily. it was about being with someone who loves me enough to want me for the rest of his life. it was about knowing that he'll be there for me IF & WHEN i were to fall.
and now i know, it's about hugging ur hubby voluntarily when he comes home...tired & smelling like chicken feed. *THIS is entirely situational. and does NOT happen daily, mind u!*

life is simple. until we complicate it with our thought processes. it's not about "finding" someone better than u have. it's about making a choice. and not looking back.

May 14, 2007

i hear voices.

in my head. and now, they're singing. in fragments. not necessarily in this order.

"i saw ur face... in a crowded place..."

"...main apni tanhaai ke vaste, ab kuch to karu...
jab mile thodii fursat, kar le khud se mohabbat..."

"...aadhi, aadhi-poori khwahishein..."

"har dil mein armaan hote toh hain...
bas koii, samjhe zara..."

"zindagi tere gham ne humein, rishte naye samjhaaye..."

"...jaage-jaage armaan hain, jaage-jaage hum..."

"...ab kehna aur kya? jab tune keh diya... alvida..."

me finally losing it? or just listening too often to the same tracks...? hmm... dunno! but yeah, i hear voices. and they all sound nice.

p.s.: apologies for d excessive use of hindi. can't help. the voices mostly sing in hindi.

May 11, 2007

happy 2 sniff...

the smell of new books always manages to make me feel happier. fresher.
it's something i can't explain, but no matter what book it is, as long as it's new, it has that distinctive smell which acts like a caffeine boost for me. i remember so many afternoons that i've spent at crossword... smelling most books before i settled into a corner with a calvin & hobbes or some "indian author - fiction" book. *WHY are books categorized??*

after spending almost a quarter of my monthly income in books *the other quarter went towards food & shopping, while half went towards commute!*, i've often been asked *by my parents & now, V* why i can't buy pirated or second hand books?

well, i can't buy pirated books. i have ethical and qualitative issues with that. *i DO download movies & music off d net, tho!* so, it's only where books are concerned that i actually steer clear of piracy! also, the quality of pirated books is really sad *at least all that i've seen with frenz or peers* and sometimes, i've seen the print fade away in a few months time. i'd DIE if that happened to any of my books!

as far as buying second hand books is concerned - i believe that MY books have MY perspective attached to them. *i believe this is true for all my possessions* and buying a book which someone else has owned prior to me, will make ME read the book with THAT person's perspective. i know that defies any & all logic. but well, i believe it. and my belief is far stronger than any logic! so it just has to be new books for me. there was a bookmark i owned which sed "wear the old coat but buy the new book" somehow, that bookmark was SO me!

how & why was i thinking of this now?
well, i woke up feeling rather dull... and this feeling threatened to morph into depression on seeing the neighbour shifting out with her cat. that's when i opened a book *d inheritance of loss, if any1s interested* and smelled the pages. there! now i'm feeling all fresh, happy and alive! i haven't read the book yet. i have harry potter 7 *e-book; thanks, suruchi!* and my GRE and a prospective prof's book to read before i get down to it! but, for now, sniffing it shud serve me just as fine.

May 9, 2007

a ray, to fr'ship...

this piece is about a very dear fren of mine. a very dear, very very modest fren. who gets embarrassed if anyone else knows that he's doing well in life.
- a fren who manages to get ONE part of his body broken after the previous one has barely healed.
- a fren who, in a drunken stupor, managed to get his LIP ripped off by an alsatian. *he'll KILL me if he knows i blogged this!*
- a fren who's seldom answered my calls, never bothered to keep in touch with me despite staying in the same city. but he's always been there for me. i don't know HOW, but whenever i've felt lonely in d big, bad crowded world - he's always been there.
- a fren, i've always ragged for being really primitive when it comes to technology. and yet, he managed to write me one of my sweetest testimonials on orkut!
- a fren who didn't come for my one & only wedding. and didn't make any excuses for not being there.
- a fren, who despite being so close to me, doesn't know V's name. *at times i doubt he knows mine*
- a fren with whom i share emoticons on gtalk! :-/ *yeah, that's the latest one! and we both loved it!*
- a fren i've known for a good 7 years now. and yes, when i look back, it's been ALL good!
- a fren, with whom i can be completely and unreasonably me.
- a fren, who will disown me if he comes across this blog piece and realizes it's about him.

to the world he may be obnoxious, a workaholic, erudite, holier-than-thou... anything. but to me, he'll always be one of my closest frenz. someone i share a lot with. without ever saying the words.

lucky i am. really.

p.s.: u need to know him and me, to comprehend the title of this piece.

May 8, 2007

i need space!

just the way i never use more than 13.75% of my brain on most days, i don't seem to use more than 13.75% of my total possessions either.
there're HOARDS of clothes i've owned since the late 90s, which i've never worn. to make my horror story even more appalling, i've managed to get them ALL here. to the US. in the restricted 20kgs that i've been allowed to carry.

i always knew. i have a warped sense of priority.

instead of carrying ready-to-cook foodstuff or already cooked food, i've got my beloved possessions. and not just clothes. itsy bitsy little boxes, *known as sindoor dibbis in india* which i've loved to collect since i was 15, i think. then there's party-wear which never got worn due to my anti-social lifestyle! *like i'll wear it now!* jewelery. LOADS of junk jewelery - collected from all over india. i bought junk jewelery wherever i traveled. people buy souvenirs, i recall places by the jewelery i bought from there. did i mention, i even bought a 1.5 kgs jewelery box to house this jewelery? no? well, i sometimes suffer from convenient amnesia. knick-knacks from the bombay store which are too small to put up on the wall, and too big to be invisible. woolens that i amassed, but never wore *show me ONE sane individual who wore woolens in b'bay!* i won't add footwear and books to this list. those are essentials.

and this is just one bag. i dread to unpack the other.

going forth, i pledge. i shall simplify my existence. i will not buy/bring things i don't see myself using in the near future. and i will try to do away with possessions i haven't used in over 5 years. until we shift into a 4 bedroom house, where i can dedicate two entire rooms to my possessions. simple. and fair.

p.s.: i have my genes to blame for this. my ma still has the "frock" i wore as a one-year old. and all the subsequent ones too.

May 7, 2007

of labels... and choices...

of all labels i detest, that of a 'housewife' is without doubt the one i loathe most.

i have my own issues with being called a housewife. tho, technically, that's wot i've been for the past 10 months.
i can confess to being ANYTHING, but not a housewife. i revel in the fact that i'm sloppy, i have a life of my own even though i don't work, i hate housework and i cudn't cook. i actually take pride in the fact that i learnt to cook only coz i had nothing else to do. i know. i'm strange. but if u read this blog, u already know that!
"housewife" reminds me of a 'once-upon-a-time' good fren of mine. she gave up her job, started attending kitty parties *that's a very desi phenomenon!* and became a regular at beauty salons *for wot, i cud never tell!* to add to the list of her miseries *as i saw it*, she stopped being in touch with ANY of her old frenz. esp. male. her entire life revolved around her hubby and HIS life. did i mention, she even stopped wearing sleeveless Ts, capris and all other outfits which she wore till a DAY before her gala wedding? *reason being, "they're too indecent" WHAT THE F%*#?!*

her behavior put me off to an extent that i can say i have a phobia of being called a housewife. i can even stop associating with people who call me one. no matter how much i like them. it's that serious. i also used to view desperate housewives while i was still single. that COULD explain the phobia as well! but it doesn't give me a solution! and as usual, i'm digressing! or am i?

why, do u ask, am i so scared of being labeled NOW? after almost 10 months? because NOW, i'm in danger of being labeled one! initially i was "taking a break", then i was "looking for employment". now, i'm plain 'stay-at-home'. in other words - yeah, rite! a desperate housewife! GEEZ!

i have been seeking avenues to avoid this labeling, tho. i had two options. one - find a job. two - go back to school. the state of the US work visa ruled out option one for me. in desperation, i even considered jobs which wouldn't require a visa *like pole-dancing or bartending* but V vehemently refused to let me try those out. also, i realized that (a.) u need to be in shape and (b.) liking ur drink didn't qualify you to be a bartender. DAMN!

that leaves me with option two.
my mental block about d GRE *and studying* was d reason why i had ruled out option two. but now that desperation seems to be setting in, the choice seems to be between 'back-to-school' or 'desperate housewife'. and MY choice is clear now. crystal.

so, bring on the GRE!

May 3, 2007

home. finally.

after a chaotic 20 days of striving to be strong...
after flying for 18+ hours and driving an additional 2...
after tasteless flight food & confused immigration officials...
after lugging all our luggage off the conveyor belts & then the car into our small yet cozy drawing room...
after having a nice, non-elaborate self-cooked dinner...
after sinking into the lovely couch we bought together...
after a night's good sleep under the warm covers on a cold, rainy night...
after spending the morning in shorts & a tee...
after looking at the overcast sky for hours...
after procrastinating on unpacking...
i know. i'm finally "home".

it's an amazing feeling for me. after years of feeling rootless, of being confused when asked "where are you from?" i finally know. home is right here. with V. it always will be.

May 2, 2007

life goes on...

"what matters our creative endless toil,
when at a snatch, oblivion ends the coil?"

V's dad moved out of our world on the 15th of last month. but he lived his life the way he wanted to. people may say he ignored his health for his work, but work was what kept him alive. it kept him happy. to me, that is what matters the most. as they say, it's not how u die that matters, it's how u lived.

they also say god gives every person only those many burdens as they can carry. i realized the truth of that saying after seeing my MIL. knowing that u'll never again see the person u've spent over 40 years with is no small task. she's an amazingly strong woman. i've rarely come across anyone who's as practical and as emotional as she is. knowing that she would be okay helped us get back to our routines here.

life sure has changed for all of us. how and to what extent - only time will tell. it's too soon to grasp all of it. but even though we may seemingly move on with our lives, "dad" will be conspicuous by his absence.