'catch' me if you can?

when i'm traveling or away for a while, i often tend to forget to call vin. it's not that i don't miss him. it's just that i don't like the phone much. and even if i call, it's cursory and to-the-point. i prefer telling him in person. 

he's been my opposite, so far, where it comes to calling. if he had a one-stop flight, he'd even call from the stop and let me know he had a good/bad flight and he was hopping onto the next. and of course, i would tease him and call him a little boy.. but well, that's another topic! 

but then, everything changes. this time when he's off. i've been nagging him every couple hours. while he has made his absence rather conspicuous by the lack of phone calls! even when i'd called, i got replies in monosyllables or single sentences.  

later, five phone calls later, he called...  

vin: just got to the hotel. it's... 

me: what took u SO long, eh?! 

vin: eh? it's 2.30? how long should it take?

me: oh. different timezone... 

vin: yeah.. lissen, if the net's not working, u can use dial-up, okay?  

me: net's fine. i'll be okay. 

vin: okay... talk to u later, then. bye. 

okay bye???

that is all i get for calling?! 

sigh! i now know how it feels to be on the other side of the coin. 

i'm not so irked by the lack of calls... as i said, i am not much of a call person myself. what bothers me is the fact that HE was the one who believed in calling. and now, i've gone ahead and affected his programming.  

oh geez! i'm contagious...! 

wonder what he'll catch next! 

a year. so soon?

time flies, they say.

it's been a year. already. 

a year since i got that dreaded call from my brother. a day before i was to leave for india, asking if i wanted them to wait till i reached, or was it okay to pull the plug.

it seemed straight out of a movie. except it wasn't. it wasn't happening to someone far away... someone fictional.. it was happening to the most important man in my life. and all i could do was pull myself together and sound strong. think what would be best, not for me... but for him. and i like to think that is what i did. 

i reached a day too late. 

it offended me when people said "but you were prepared for it. so it's not that bad". it is always THAT bad. you can NEVER be prepared for it. yes, it's not sudden. but does suddenness make things more drastic? does anticipation numb the feeling? i know it doesn't. but i didn't snap. i knew they meant well. all i said... and still say.. is 'it was the best for him'. 

it doesn't surprise me when people tell me i'm a lot like my dad. 

i have his attitude, his sarcasm... his disbelief in religion or god... his 'disapproving twitch of the eye' that worked better than a 1000 words. even his sense of humour. and i have his ability to do anything i can for those i love. of course, i am a lot more selective, self-absorbed than he ever would have been. but that, i attribute to the generation gap. 

i could never understand how he could be there for people who had so blatantly let him down. i wish he hadn't. they didn't deserve it. they didn't deserve him. but he didn't question that. 

  

i spoke to him a day before. when he told me "ur mom's overacting, as always. i'm fine. you don't need to come." we spoke for a while, he joked... we laughed and i told him to take care and let me know if he felt that there was even a "slight" need for me to come down. even "just". benefits of unemployment, i joked. 

i met with one of their *mom and dad's* childhood friends last week. she was visiting her son here and was to leave a couple days after we met. when i spoke to mom y'day, she told me that aunty had said that mom had every reason to be proud of me. i was a lot like my dad. i had his spirit, to live and enjoy life.

that was, and probably will be the nicest thing anyone has said about me behind my back. 

i do hope i can continue being like him. 

it's been a year. and daddy's little girl sure has grown up.

p.s.: this was in my drafts. couldn't post it on the 5th. so, am back-dating and publishing it.

not too good...?

in order to ground myself... and i need to do this from time to time... i'm gonna be listing my negative traits. also, these are some of the things i'd like to change... so documenting it. and i will see how much of this i manage to change and by when.
so effectively, this post may be boring for quite a few.. but then, it's my blog... and as a wise human said "boredom is under-rated"

:: i detest people taking leave from work. it's something i don't understand. i never denied annyone leave, but couldn't do it myself. i do not let vin take leave. we plan whatever we need to / want to do over long weekends or weekends. am i happy i married a workaholic!
:: i can be, and usually am, very sarcastic to people who are intellectually challenged. i try not to.. but it happens.. like, automatically? of course, there's no fun in it, coz the sarcasm is lost. but it's an entertaining process/conversation. at the end of it, they usually think i'm a wonderful person.. i get entertained. win-win situation. but deep down, i know it's mean.
:: i bite my nails. i claw out the skin off my feet and sometimes fingers. yeah, i know.
:: i have a set of 4 expressions. unless you know me well... or i like you. but for all other purposes, i will only exhibit four expressions. one of them is indifference. makes ppl believe i'm getting bored when i'm not.
:: i procrastinate. BIG time.
:: i do not completely understand categories/definitions etc. i would like to. really like to. but there seems to be a defect in my programming that prevents me from this comprehension.
:: i tend to forget most of my negative traits rather quickly!

apart from this, i'm pretty much purrfect!
yeah, i know... that should be one of the points too, eh?

age old issues?

fri evng... chicken, beer and the 70s show...
i, of course, take it upon myself to make it trivia time!

me: *referring to ashton kutcher* heard of how he won over CNN on twitter?
vin: eh? no. cnn, the channel?
so i tell him in as great detail as i can r'ber.
me: ... and demi moore said...
vin: why was she commenting? who asked her?
me: huh? she's his wife no? she was doing wifely thing by saying...
vin: WHAT?? WTF??? really???
me: hehehe.. this is hilarious...!! u didn't know!? :D
vin: of course not! why would i... but really??
me: what're u so surprised for?
vin: she's a LOT older than him... no?
me: hahaa... you also like older women. and she's hot.
*still in shock abt kutcher's marital status*
vin: huh?? yeah.. but old is not... not that old... around your age is okay.

ouch! really. ouch!
*no, the rest of the conversation cannot be blogged*

thought for the week.

titled thus, coz i can't think of a title for this piece... will change it if and when i do.

every girl dreams of getting married. at some point of time in our lives, we have all fantasized about our very own knight in shining armor/tux... on horseback or in convertibles... who'll whisk us away to the happy land of forever. those disney fairy tales, bollywood and chick-flicks only add to it as u're growing up. but life is not a fairy tale. and it doesn't end at marriage. it begins there.

and it is something that nothing conditions us for. we are not in the least prepared for what happens after. of all the expectations from us. of all the so-called responsibilities. and yes, it is more difficult for the woman. she is "expected" to embrace an entire new family. overnight, everything is supposed to change. and i agree, it changes for both... but it's the woman who has left her "home"... she's the one who can't expect tea in bed anymore. if the couple lives out of the country, when they go back to the country, they're supposed to stay at his place - visiting her parents. not fair? well, heck no! but that's the way it is, isn't it? i know, for a fact, that when i have gone back to india... and stayed with my parents... i've raised eyebrows.

things like "a woman should go to her in-laws house first" or "she must change her name when she marries" or "she now 'belongs' to her husband" or "her parents shouldn't be living with her permanently" are things that sound EXTREMELY regressive to me. but apparently, they're not. most parents of ppl i know "believe" that their daughter's house is not their house once she's married. they wouldn't stay there unless it's a visit or they have no other option. and i've heard this from so many relatives and family friends *wrt their daughters/sons* that it really stopped being funny.

why does this seem so normal to us.. that we either don't think about it much or totally dismiss it as a part of life? i know that i'm the wrong person to be doing this piece or asking these questions... i have accepted most of this... willingly, even... and i am quite happy. but that doesn't change anything, does it?
i never had issues about it. in fact, i never thought about it. it was the way i was conditioned since i was a kid, i guess. everything in my upbringing conditioned me for the fact that someday i would leave my parents' home. not for a career, but by virtue of marriage. *i don't think "love" would be the appropriate word here* i still do not have issues. but that is because i've ended up being really lucky about my decisions. not smart, as i say i am... but merely lucky.

i did leave behind my parents, my friends, my career and everything that i called "life" till that point... to be with vin. and i was scared. the first 2 days in vin's home were terrifying for me. i've never said this before... but i wanted to run away to the security of my own house. my own room. everybody was really nice... but it was all so new for me. and i was SO unprepared. even the sharing a closet. yes, silly tiny detail... but i had NEVER shared my closet with anyone! and it was a big deal for me. i need some space when i wake up in the morng... and i didn't know whether i could still get it. whether i was wrong in expecting it. and i had NO idea how to deal with it. but, as always... i digress.

what i don't u'stand is this: why is it that we are "okay" with moving out of our own homes... leaving our parents behind, so to speak... why don't we expect a guy to do all of this for us? and if we do... is that so wrong? if it's not wrong, why is it frowned upon?
or are we taught from a young age that we have to someday, move out of our homes, "adjust" to living with someone else's family...? it's the 0-point-something women living in metropolitan india who would understand *if, at all* that adjusting is not compromising. what about the rest? and we... the so-called educated, urban, smart... liberated and mostly, intelligent women. would we raise our children without such stereotypes? or is there some logic to all of this 'this isn't your home once u're married' crap, that maybe, i'm missing?

suruchi did this post on bidaai... and we got into a discussion. on marriage. and now i'm rather confused. and she's abandoned me and gone off! so i'm posting this here... as an open discussion. let me know what you think.

told ya a 100 times!

tag of the month time. tagged by purnima. her link should be in the comments section there...

LAST TIMES…
1. Last beverage: coffee
2. Last phone call: spoke to vin last night. *don't ask why he was calling!*
3. Last text message: i don't recv texts.
4. Last song you listened to: kambakht ishq - the new one.
5. Last time you cried: march 31st. without a reason.

HAVE YOU EVER...
6. Dated someone twice: nah.
7. Been cheated on? : hahaa... not that i know of.
8. Kissed someone & regretted it? : nopes
9. Lost someone special? : yes.
10. Been depressed? : i have my phases... yes.
11. Been drunk and threw up? : yeah! everytime i combine shrimp with alcohol i throw up. *this, after a thorough analysis of my drinking and throwing up pattern!*

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
12. black
13. scarlet
14. deep purple
15. fresh green

FIRSTS :
16. Made new friends: eh? sure! they were all new initially.
17. Fallen out of love: yeah. i have my phases, u know.
18. Laughed until you cried: no. but laughed till i couldn't breathe & my stomach hurt.
19. Met someone who changed you: yes. everybody i meet has the capacity of making me change something in me.
20. Found out who your true friends were: yes
21. Found out someone was talking about you: yes! more, bitching than talking! ;)

HAVE YOU:
22. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: yeah.. sure!
23. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: not good with numbers... but yeah, i know most of them.
24. How many kids do you want to have: et tu, blog?? i want one.. vin wants a lot!
25. Do you have any pets: no. but i waaannnntttt!!!
26. Do you want to change your name: nopes. don't see why i should.
27. What did you do for your last birthday: galadriel was here!!! we had cake *which i had to bake...*, tried to remove it before it cooled... thereby almost ruined it... drove up to houston to drop her... she did "dilbar dilbar" at waterwall... we got lost... it started pouring... we had to cancel plans of going to kemah and dropped her off at the airport. i came back and blogged it! :D
and oh... she ALMOST made sambhar.
28.What time did you wake up today: eh? didn't check the clock, but i'm told it was early.
29. What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping.
30. Name something you CANNOT wait for : i can wait! :)
31. Last time you saw your father: may 2007.
32. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: lots of things. but i am working on changing what i can.
33. Most visited web page: gmail

WHAT'S YOUR :
34. Name: rayshma
35. Nicknames: catty, kittie, resh, ray, ray-ray...
36. Zodiac sign: cancer
37. Male or female or transgender : female
38. Elementary: st. joseph, pashan.. pune.
39. College: symbi *i guess takers of this tag are not reqd to have studied beyond college! :D*
40. Hair color: used to be deep brown.. now it depends.
41. Long or short: i have horrible, frizzy hair that can't be cut above shoulder level.
42. Height: enough to look good with vin.
43. Do you have a crush on someone? : currently, adam lambert.
44. Ever been in love? : i'm in love with being in love.
45. Piercings? : ears.
46. Tattoos? : one... YES!
47. Righty or lefty: righty
48. First surgery: appendicitis.
49. First piercing: a few days after i was born. it's kind of a tradition or something.
50. First best friend: i dunno... the one who stood the test of time... priya.
51. First sport you loved: i don't love sports.
52. First pet : the white cat we had when i was 1. next was a lhasa apso... never liked the dog much.. he bit me! :D
53. First vacation: when i was 3. can't rber where. don't wanna chk with mom.
54. First concert: my concert?? who do u think i am?
55. First crush: oh plz! now u want me to r'ber my crushes?!

RIGHT NOW:
56. Eating: nutella s/w
57. Drinking: V8 *mango-peach*
58. I'm about to: post this tag
59. Listening to: aaj ki raat... the new don.
60. Waiting for: something nice to happen.

YOUR FUTURE
61. Want kids? : yeah. get off my back, will ya?
62. Want to get married? : again? yeah, sure!
63. Careers in mind? : i'm way past that age, i think!

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
64. Lips or eyes: eyes
65. Hugs or kisses: i'm not a touchy-feely person... hand-shake should do fine. even a "hail hitler" kinda hi would do!
66. Shorter or taller: guys shouldn't be shorter than me. really.
67. Older or Younger: wiser.
68. Romantic or spontaneous: spontaneous.
69. Nice stomach or nice arms: nice arms
70. Sensitive or loud: sensitive
71. Hook-up or relationship: relationship.
72. Trouble maker or hesitant: trouble maker

HAVE YOU EVER :
73. Kissed a stranger: no. i barely look at strangers, forget kissing them.
74. Lost glasses/contacts: nopes.
76. Broken some one's heart: unintentionally... i think so.
77. Had your own heart broken: yeah. it breaks very easily.
78. Been arrested: no. but been inside a police van.
79. Turned someone down: yes. the guys i knew had very weird timing.
80. Cried when someone died: yes.
81. Liked a friend that is a girl? : LOVE them all.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
81. Yourself: totally. without a doubt ever!
82. Miracles: absolutely.
83. God: i don't know... i want to, but can't get myself to.
84. Love at first sight: humbug! er.. no.
85. Heaven: the common definition.. no.
86. Santa Claus: YES!
87. Kiss on the first date? : that depends on who is dating whom and kissing whom, doesn't it? unless it's my kid, i don't see why they need my approval!
88. Angels: yes. the guardian angels, for sure.
89. Devils: hahaaha.. i am NOT commenting on this one!

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
*was i allowed to lie till this point?*
90. Is there one person you want to be with right now? : yes. but he'd rather be with the dentist! :(
91. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? : girlfriends yes. boyfriend... no.
92. Wanted to kill someone ever? : ohhh yeah! i have a list y'know!
93. Among your blog mates, whom would you like to kiss? : DDD, G, suruchi... oh, wait.. she aint a blog-mate!
94. Committed a blunder and regretted later? : no. i think thru what i do. usually!
95. Wanted to steal your friend's boyfriend / girlfriend? : nopes.. never! and let this be the declaration for that! my friends are way too important.

ASSOCIATE WITH SOMETHING YOU WEAR :
96. White: capris
97. Black: boots
98. Red: tee
99. Pink: eww... nothing! i don't wear anything pink.
100. Posting this as 100 Truths? : no. as "100 things u wanted to ask me, but couldn't". didn't read the title, did ya?!

whoever's vella enough to do this... plz take it up...

home is where u belong...

there are a few questions that leave me totally blank for a few seconds. what did u do for a living...? where, in india, are you from...? being 2 of those few.

now, technically... home would *and should* be pune. and it shouldn't be a question that leaves me confused. i've spent a major part of my life... well over 20 years there... i have a lot of memories - good & bad - associated with the town... my mom still lives there... so that should be what i consider home.
but it's not.

i do like it. yes. i also love the shrewsbury biscuits and bakarwadi and kayani cake. but apart from that.. and my mom, i really can't think of anything that would make me want to go back.
i think since i was 15 or so... i wanted to move out of the city. of course, dad vetoed it initially.. then gave me the option of leaving the city under two circumstances:
a. get a respectable job that you may not get here, or
b. get admission into a post grad school which is better than the ones in pune.
a, i thought was not possible without b... so that's about when i discovered about the CAT... and decided that was my only hope of getting out of town.
WHY i wanted to leave... i don't know. i just never felt "comfortable" enough there.
once i left... i never felt like going back. usually, these things happen to me in phases. i WANT something real bad... i work for it.. i get it... then i get bored and leave it and return to whatever it was i loved and had before. but not this time. i was "happy" being away from pune. i was at home in bbay. the last place i thought would be 'home' for me. *i still hate local trains and a lot of other things about bbay... but it doesn't lessen the way i love that city!*

today, when i say "i want to go home".. i really want to go meet my mom, get pampered for a while... then move on to bbay... and actually "feel" at home. for some reason... i don't see myself living in any other city! when i say home, i think bbay.

a lot of ppl think i love pune. i do give the city it's due because i have memories there... of growing up... of finding myself... but i doubt i'd defend it if there were an argument on pune v/s bbay. i know i may sound vociferous when i say "it's a great city!" but that's the way i talk. doesn't have to mean that i AM that passionate about what i'm saying! :P *i even sound assertive when i talk of B-grade bollywood films...doesn't mean i love them.*

i know it's strange... to not really associate with a city that u spent over 20 years of ur life in... but to call a place where u spent merely 6 years - home. makes me feel a little rootless at times... but well.. not everything has to make sense.

p.s.: this post is a li'l all over the place... but then it's like that in my head too...

at ease...

:: lying around in bed... too lazy to wake up... too awake to go back to sleep...
planning an unplanned day... waking up once u decide to 'take it as it comes'...
:: randomly bickering abt mucking up the kitchen over the dinner he made last evng... not really caring abt it tho...
:: morning session of nat geo/discovery/animal planet... discussing if you should relocate to africa...deciding against it.
:: lazy languid afternoons... on the couch.. surfing channels... watching arbit movies that interested u once-upon-a-time...
:: beautiful day outside... mild sunshine... pleasant breeze... the joy that spring brings with it...
:: a nice drive around the countryside... conversation bringing as much pleasure as the silence...
:: meeting friends for dinner... the laughter that stays with you... makes you apppreciate what you have rather than dwell on what you don't...
:: a walk in the evng breeze... over lit path-ways which will soon be insect-infested... over unlit paths which make it all the better...
:: watching movies till late... without so much as a glance at the watch....
no haste.. no hurry... no worry...
just togetherness.
been a while... will be a while again... till there comes a day that'll be so peaceful... so relaxed...

the little things, that make happy memories. completely unexpected... unplanned... simple... beautiful.

just a thought...

they say that it takes adversity to bring out the best in a couple. that if a couple stays together... stands by each other through difficult times... then they will stay together no matter what.

i wonder how a couple would know that they've been through enough? it's one thing to say "i know we will be happily together, forever" and it's another to really really understand and mean it.

and once they know... do the tough times stop? or is it like the GRE... if you manage to survive through the tough times... going forward.. they only get tougher?

edited to add:
'forever', for the purview of this post, refers to "till death do us part".