May 5, 2009

a year. so soon?

time flies, they say.
it's been a year. already. 

a year since i got that dreaded call from my brother. a day before i was to leave for india, asking if i wanted them to wait till i reached, or was it okay to pull the plug.
it seemed straight out of a movie. except it wasn't. it wasn't happening to someone far away... someone fictional.. it was happening to the most important man in my life. and all i could do was pull myself together and sound strong. think what would be best, not for me... but for him. and i like to think that is what i did. 

i reached a day too late. 
it offended me when people said "but you were prepared for it. so it's not that bad". it is always THAT bad. you can NEVER be prepared for it. yes, it's not sudden. but does suddenness make things more drastic? does anticipation numb the feeling? i know it doesn't. but i didn't snap. i knew they meant well. all i said... and still say.. is 'it was the best for him'. 

it doesn't surprise me when people tell me i'm a lot like my dad. 
i have his attitude, his sarcasm... his disbelief in religion or god... his 'disapproving twitch of the eye' that worked better than a 1000 words. even his sense of humour. and i have his ability to do anything i can for those i love. of course, i am a lot more selective, self-absorbed than he ever would have been. but that, i attribute to the generation gap. 
i could never understand how he could be there for people who had so blatantly let him down. i wish he hadn't. they didn't deserve it. they didn't deserve him. but he didn't question that. 
i spoke to him a day before. when he told me "ur mom's overacting, as always. i'm fine. you don't need to come." we spoke for a while, he joked... we laughed and i told him to take care and let me know if he felt that there was even a "slight" need for me to come down. even "just". benefits of unemployment, i joked. 

i met with one of their *mom and dad's* childhood friends last week. she was visiting her son here and was to leave a couple days after we met. when i spoke to mom y'day, she told me that aunty had said that mom had every reason to be proud of me. i was a lot like my dad. i had his spirit, to live and enjoy life.
that was, and probably will be the nicest thing anyone has said about me behind my back. 
i do hope i can continue being like him. 

it's been a year. and daddy's little girl sure has grown up.

p.s.: this was in my drafts. couldn't post it on the 5th. so, am back-dating and publishing it.


Sarfraaz Ahmed said...

Time surely flies ... You are a strong girl .. Keep up the spirit :)

DotThoughts said...

*hugs* raysh. You are so strong.

DewdropDream said...

Mighty tight hug to you Catty. I know the 'how can it be a year already?' feeling... it'll soon be a year ince my favourite uncle passed away... can't still fathom that.

And this is where I tell you that you are family to me, have been so for a while and I really wish I could have met your dad :)

Still, I'll prolly visit your ma in Pune and ask her for the bag ;)

MUAH! I lauve you

La vida Loca said...

Hgs Raysh.

PURN!MA said...

Thwe other side of you is just as endearing. I'm glad I know you even if it is online. :)

Suma said...

Hugs, gal...even if it wont make you feel better, but i do know what you are feeling :(

Suruchi said...

love u babes!! and love you for everything you are :-)!

Anonymous said...

Proud of your attitude and spirit. I have not known you so well personally as much I have learned you from your blog.
Take care and keep in touch.


svety said...

I wrote this then also..writing it again..keep the faith sweetie...

rayshma said...

svety: yeah, thanks so much.

suruchi :)

anon: not publishing ur comment... dunno if u wanted me to.
thanks so much. wish had got to know u better earlier.. but it's never too late. will definitely stay in touch. :)

suma: thanks.

purnima: and i'm glad i know u. will try and meet up next time i come down.

loca: :)

dewey: don't nag my mom! take the bag from me. she'll be horrified to see u standing at the door asking for her bag! :D
lauve you loads too! muah!

dottie: have to be, dottie.. no other option, no? hugs!

sarfraaz: thanks. yeah, time does fly...

Pixie said...

*Hugs* Raysh...

Big hugs.

Preethi said...

hugs girl.. I love the way you put it.. and you are strong.. its been over 5 years since my mom died and I still cant write about it!!