conversationally...

was reading up for an assignment... friend from school (and in the same class, too) calls...
F: what are you doing?"
me: reading 'issues with efficiency'
F: hahaa... you need to read that.
me: erm... YOU need to read that, too
F: what? why? I'm not efficient!!!

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after a really hectic week at school, I'd hardly had time to talk to vin. Friday, he was to drop me at the station. I wasn't sure what time I'd be returning... so didn't know how I'd let him know what time to pick me up.

me: you don't have network in office... how will I tell you when I'm leaving?
vin with a totally dazed expression on his face...
"please don't leave me?"

life...

life is not a fairy tale. or a movie. there is no one ending. there is no 'happily ever after'.

there are multiple endings. to the little beautiful moments that make you look back and miss 'those' days. as are there multiple beginnings.

it's life... you're allowed to make a fool of yourself. to trust and fail. to realize that people aren't all that you've made them out to be... to worship false idols. to dream dreams that will never be realized. to hurt people who matter to you. to let them hurt you. to know that we are all human... and to actually realize that. to know that everybody you count on will let you down at least once... and that doesn't mean you can't count on them. just that 'that' wasn't their day.

because life is not restricted to a couple hours. we make mistakes. we learn. we move on. we make new mistakes. and learn new lessons.

it's life. it goes on.

to new beginnings...

I've been thinking of doing this post for a while now. Then I thought that I should go ahead with it the way I have with the past decade. Not too much thought. But as much heart as I put into everything I do. Well, almost everything! :)

But, it's been a VERY interesting decade. A lot has changed. A lot remains the same. I've lived, I've loved, I've lost, I've learned. I've realized the worth of life. And the little moments that make it thus.

This post may not be very lucid. But then, neither was the decade. Neither is life.

- I don't judge anymore. people, relationships, situations. I don't have an opinion on what should work. Because I realize that it's none of my business what someone else does in their life. I always believed in living and letting live. now, I actually practice that.

- From yearning for knowing-it-all, I know now that i can never know enough. That there's nothing called enough. there never will be.

- I'm back in school - I started grad school in 2000 and now almost in 2011. Yeah, it took me a decade to understand the importance. Hopefully, this time I'll make the most of it. And not go through the motions coz I need to get on with life.

- 10 years ago, I was looking to find myself. Today, I know that there isn't just one me. I'm like those russian dolls they sell at colaba causeway. You open one to find another inside and you can never know how many there are inside. *maybe you can, but I like not knowing* There's so many mes that sometimes I surprise myself and I love that element of unpredictability. That feeling of not knowing how I'll react to something.

- I understand the importance of true friends. Of people who will stand by you despite knowing you for you. Because they know you. Because they love you. And always will. Even if you ignore them for a while. People who will wait for you. Who will be there for you at your weakest, most vulnerable moments and not once mention it after that. People who will see you grow, who will give you the space to grow and secretly feel proud of you. I'm glad i've realized their importance. And happier that I've found some such people. Honored that they think I'm worth it.

- I never thought i'd leave my career for a man. I did. And after half a decade *almost*, I have no regrets either. Yeah, I surprise myself.

- I realized that the loss of someone close will always remain just that, a loss. And nothing can fill that up. Not time, not distance, not someone else. That people ARE irreplaceable. You may hide the vacuum, conceal it, suppress it... but it will remain. In the depths.

- I am no longer insecure about myself. I've worked long and hard and I finally accept myself for who I am, for how I am. For how I will be. I'm not perfect. Which is why I'm human.

- I realize that "I want!" is not a good enough reason for everything to be dropped into my lap. That I have to work for it. That it's only when you yearn for something that you realize how much it means. It's only when you don't have it, when you realize how precious it is. I've realized that I can't take anything for granted. And I've come to treasure things that I know I can't live without. And people.

- I've realized that there is no equivalent to girlfriends. I know that I can count on mine at any hour of the day or night... for anything. however irrelevant. But they'll be there. And I will be there for them. Even at 3 AM IST! :D

- I realize now that no matter how critical an issue may seem like right now. Someday, in the not-so-distant-future, I'll have the ability to look back and laugh it off. I just know I have the strength to do it. As a friend put it, "it's all relevant, till it's not".

There's a lot more that can't be put into bullet points. The little things, the humor, the conversations, the jibes, the vibes... the little things that make a decade memorable, but are too personal to be put up on a blog... and for that, I'm grateful. Here's hoping that this decade lives up to or betters the previous one!

that time again

New Year, new template.
And hopefully, more posts.

If anybody's still around - Cheers! And wish you a very happy 2011... :)

in conversation... again.

A few days after we moved-in to our current apartment (Yes, we've moved again!), V came to pick me up at the station and wanted to go out for dinner.

V: you want to go straight or you want to go home and then go out.

me: home, please.

V: but... we can go straight for dinner.

me: HOME. i need to pee!

V; the restaurant will have loos, i'm sure.

me: tch. No! Home.

V: why? You need to mark your territory?

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we had friends over for christmas. one of them was accompanied by her boyfriend. our initial plans were to gang up against the boyfriend (the rest of us v/s him, that is) and pelt him with snowballs.

but of course, there was no snow on christmas day.

to pacify us disappointed souls, vin came up with an alternative:

"there's ice in the freezer. let's hit him with that!!"

-----------------------

we haven't had much time to converse the past couple of weeks.

this morning, i decided to give it a rest and at least have b'fast together. the topic somehow veered to how some men are really hen-pecked. (Yes, I know... we discuss other people over rare conversations. don't judge us!)

vin: sometimes, i really wish i was also hen-pecked.

me: eh?

vin: you're okay with whatever I decide to do. you don't nag me.

me: yeah, i'm the coolest wife you'd ever have found.

vin: but i W.A.N.T. to be henpecked. you refuse to peck me. please peck me?!

------------

just like that.

there are days.
and there are days.

some days you wake up with a spring in your step. and you try really hard to not let external situations affect you. but they do.
and you can't help but feel dejected. and the fact that you try so hard at maintaining those "happy" pretenses just makes you feel worse. and you have so much on your plate, that you can't afford to put anything but your best foot forward.

and then, you talk to a friend. you play good, happy music. you look into the mirror and dance your heart out. and the world is so much better. just like that.

good friends, email, cell phones, music, full length mirrors.
what would the world be without them.

in conversation

The other day, when he thought he's getting late while coming to pick me up:

vin: if I get late, wait RIGHT there, ok?

me: of course I'll wait. where will I go?

vin: no. don't go with anyone else. i WILL come to get you.

------------------------

The other evening, when I was waiting for a friend at the station, a random man who was passing by paused, looked at me, did a double-take and said "boy! you're really beautiful!" and walked on before i could react or say thanks.

when I got home, I mentioned this to vin.

In typical filmy style, his response:

"aaj se tumhara college jaana bandh!"

-----------------------

We debated this morning about how V has no sense of order and leaves his things lying around the house.

In the evening, there are dollar bills lying on the center table. I didn't leave them there. So I turn to Vin, raise an eyebrow, and accusingly say

"what are these dollar bills doing here?"

the man, having learned a LOT in the past four years looks at me and says
"oh that's for later in the evening. when you start stripping?"

p.s.: clarifications.

No, I do not go off with random people at train stations.

and no, I do not strip later in the evenings. any evenings. just saying.

moments...

there are moments. when some people feel close. so close. that you feel you can reach out and touch them. that maybe you should.

and then, the moment passes.
you open your eyes to your reality.
and move on.

long time...

a lot has been happening.

amongst other things - for those of you who came in late - i'm back to school. after four years of procrastinating and choosing alternatives, i've bitten the bullet. and school is one whirlwind affair.

when you get used to having your time and space to do things that you like; it's difficult to adapt to a routine which requires you to be at your sharpest at any hour of the day. to get back to reading case studies and writing papers. to listening to a prof talk for close to three hours. difficult is an understatement.

so yes, it's been different. and difficult.

but i'd like to think i'm getting the hang of it.

the positives... realizing that you haven't lost the touch to befriend people. people that you genuinely like and get along with. it's comforting to know that people like this exist. that the possibility of finding 'good' friends still exists.

that there still is hope.

the negatives? not being able to speak to people who sort you out. who know you. who love you. who miss you. no matter how many times you say "i miss you", it's just not enough to convey how much i really miss connecting with the people i care for. and saying that i'm busy makes me feel very inefficient and inadequate.

so yes, i'm hoping i've managed to adapt. and that i will make time for things i like. and the people i love.

hopefully, i won't abandon this space either. this blog means way too much to me to let it die. so here's committing myself to it. and to school. and to those in my life that make me feel good about being me. you all know who you are... thanks for being so patient. thanks for being around.

means a lot.

p.s.: the humor shall return. soon.