tag-time!

this one's from purnima. she forgot to nag me. but i like her. so i'll still do it! :D

Q. The love potion you made tastes terrible. How will you drink it?

A. the same way i drink carrot juice. i won't. 

Q. You can punch a hole in an apple using a straw. How do you think that makes your milkshake feel?

A. insecure?

Q. You've been entered in a shadow puppet contest. What's your best pose?

A. the filmfare trophy one. *what's a shadow puppet contest???*

Q. Do you believe that forks are evolved from spoons?

A. no. forks have evolved from chopsticks.

Q. Your people want to make a statue in your honor. What will it be made out of and what victory will it commemorate?

A. MY people? *tee hee!!!* it'll be made of stirrers. and will commemorate my ability to collect stirrers without becoming an alcoholic.

p.s.: there IS going to be a digital mandir made for me. the prayer/aarti is a secret. shhh...!!! 

Q. In the dream where you show up to school naked, why do you never go swimming?

A. erm... our school didn't have a pool. maybe that's why?

Q. The children are waiting! Please tell them the story about the bald frog with the wig:

A. OUAT, there was a frog. he was as bald as the other frogs. he wanted to be rich & famous and was willing to do anything for it! 

one day, he bought a wig. but he didn't really become the superstar of the frogs, like he'd thought he would. 

so he networked a lot - bonded with the best-known names and hired a good media agency. for the next year or so, they advertised across media about how he was the BEST a frog could get. they called him "reclusive" and a "genius" and they got him international coverage.

eventually, the frogs started idolising him. and he became a star! 

moral of the story: good marketing CAN make stars out of bald frogs. 

Q. You have to dig a hole to China. Where do you start?

A. i start by delegating it. 

p.s: from now, there'll only be one tag a month. stole THIS also from purnima! 

racism or desi-ism?

i've lived in the middle east, US and now in london. i'd heard that a lot of these countries are racist. but had never come across any racism.
until of course, i walked into stores manned by desis.
have u ever wondered why it is that these people - of the same race/color/caste - whatever the criteria may be... are so biased towards us?

initially, i felt it was something about me. that they felt they should treat me differently. and not, good different, mind u.
for instance, when i'd walk into a desi-manned store, pick up whatever it was that i went in to buy and move towards billing. i'd always give a broad smile and say hello! irrespective of what colored person was manning the billing counter. now, if this were a firang, the person would always - no exceptions - smile back. and we'd chatter about random stuff and go about our days.

but god forbid, there be a desi at the counter. forget smiling, they would refuse to even LOOK at me. in the 2 years of my masters, they taught us that "customer was king" in this case, queen. and that it was basic appropriate-ness of the nature of their business that they should SMILE at me. but well, they seemed like they were doing me a favor by selling me stuff. even if the "stuff" was potato chips!

why am i bringing this up today? because after a week in london, i entered a store manned by a desi woman. all i wanted to do was top-up my prepaid card, so i could call home. i hand over the card and the money - so she knows i'm not just looking around there - and i smile at her and say 20 pounds, pls? she frowns at me, takes the card and the money and walks off reluctantly to the machine towards the back of the store. then, 2 minutes later, she looks at me suspisciously and says "this doesn't work".
me: ermm... sorry?
her: this doesn't work.
me: i heard you. what do you mean it doesn't work?
her: i can't top it up. it says it's invalid.
me: OK. what do i do about it now?
her: i can give you a voucher. do you want it?
me: well, as long as it tops up my card, yes. i do.
her: sigh. ok.
she goes back.. does something... and gets me a receipt-like paper.
i look at her waiting for an explanation, since i'm obviously new to this.
she doesn't get it.

me: what do i do with this?
her: oh. u call 150. and do the needful.
me: thank u. *trying to figure out what the hell "do the needful" would imply!*
and i "do the needful" and finally have a topped up card.

now, compare this to the scene just a couple of days back - friday, i think.
i walk into a cyber cafe. there's a brit running the place - i don't know if he owns it. i ask him "how much per hour?"
he smiles at me and says "ek pound"
i stare at him.
he smiles again and says "aap kahan se hai"
i almost faint.
then, i gather my wits, smile back at him and ask him "achchi hindi bol lete hain aap."
him: oh! i'm born here. par hindi aur gujarati bol leta hoon. punjabi aur bengali samajh leta hoon. bolna nahi aata.
me: how about english, eh?
him: oh yes, that too! so where are you from?
and we have a pleasant conversation - he shows me what PC i can use. and then proceeds to play songs from "tashan"
i am MIGHTY impressed. and leave the place feeling nice. *and of course, selling him a ringtone worth more than what he charged me - thereby making myself feel prouder*

if someone who's not an indian can go to that extent to make his customers feel comfortable for a mere ONE pound, why is it so difficult for indians to make other indian, paying customers feel comfortable? is it really mandatory to frown or snigger at other indians???
and you know what - it's only the indian store owners who have this issue. the pakistani ones are usually nice too. in fact, they even enquire about where u're from, if you need any help etc.
i fail to understand WHY this is so. for people from a so-called "hospitable" country, they sure seem to have a lot of issues being hospitable to fellow countrymen.

inquisitiveness... u're a process!

now that i'm done with the visa process, i can finally blog this! i HATE all visa processes! the last time was a nightmare with the US visa. this time, a lot better with the U.K.

but i like the UK. i can relate to it. their questions are so desi! i could imagine a pot-bellied indian govt official asking them to me. but of course, they're nice. and really helpful, if u must know. really. unlike what any indian govt official has been to me, so far.

at the beginning of the application, they insist we must submit our original documents. because, to quote them "It is better to explain why you do not have a document than to submit a false document in its place."
so sweet.

after asking me the basic details, we come to the part of children.
do you have any children?
what amazed me was the tone of the questions that would follow if i said YES.
where do these children live?
where are these children now?

uhh... am glad i don't have kids yet!
so i click no, and move on...

will any other children be traveling with you?
hain? WHY would i want OTHER children with me? i like kids n all... but i don't like traveling with them. really.

then, there are three pages asking me to 'fess up if i'm a criminal. i doubt a criminal would cave-in to the nature of the questions, but i guess they need to ask them by security standards.
however, while going through them, i was tempted to say yes when i was asked if i have been involved in anti-social activities in the past. i asked vin... "uhh... is turning up nose at new desi neighbor an anti-social activity?? do they need to know that? will it affect my visa app?" i followed vin's advice and said "no" to the question... if u must ask. so now i presume i'm quite social.

next question:
Have you, ever been a member of, or given support to an organisation that has been concerned in terrorism?
wishful answer: if you grant me a visa, i'm a hungama employee. we regularly terrorize our clients and competitors. we actually take pride in that... but i guess that doesn't count. if u mean national terrorism, then no. corporate? yes! :)
actual answer: NO.

Have you engaged in any other activities that might indicate that you may not be considered a person of good character?
wishful answer: there may be people who think so. but i wouldn't include them in my references, u know. and will someone please define "good character" to me?!
actual answer: NO.

this one had me completely foxed.
what do u intend to do in the UK?
erm... i dunno... travel around. see the place, the people that ruled us for so many years. i've heard it's a beautiful country...

do u have family here? do you intend to visit them?
HAHAHA... i'd love to not visit any family, u know! anywhere!

and then, u come to my favorite part... which made me feel like i'm going through an interrogation by an aunt in dilli or kanpur...
how much do you earn every month?
how much do you spend every month?
how much does your husband earn?
What is the cost to you personally, of your stay there?
How much of your total monthly income is given to your family members and other dependents?
Who will pay for your travel?
Who will pay for your food & acco?

erm... am so glad i knew the answers. and i guess they're correct too.
u know, end of the day... i AM glad i got my visa. i'd have gone through this for nothing otherwise! of course, now i'm also prepared to attend family weddings and give the "sahi jawaab!"

disclaimer: this may not be verbatim, unless said so... this is what i remember. and like most things in this blog, please take this with a pinch of salt.

FAQs

answers to some FAQs addressed to me in the past few months... by random people. when friends ask these questions, it's okay, they can ask me anything. when random people who are barely acquainted with me ask these, it's just being nosy. *the replies have been edited to seem polite.*

Q: y don't u have kids? u're anyway not working.
A: unemployment is a VERY good reason to not want kids.

Q: are u going to have a baby? *quoted from an orkut scrap i recd.*
A: no. do i look pregnant to u?? *actual reply to scrap*

Q: why don't you want to live in the US?
A: i really do want to. but i don't think they *the forces that be* want me to live here.

Q: why don't u like kids?
A: of course i like kids. i don't understand how to behave with them, tho. i do prefer getting to know them before i agree to touch them, pick them up or play with them. also, i may drop the child *accidentally, not intentionally* and only YOU will be responsible for any resulting damage. u cud check with suruchi - i love advika! she even let me pick her up a couple of times.

Q: were u being sarcy?
A: if u need to ask that question... u probably don't deserve to know. :P

Q: PhD? he must be a nerd/geek? how come u married him?
A: well, better him than u! and FYI - everybody attempting to do their PhD is not a nerd/geek.

Q: do u miss being single?
A: no. life hasn't changed THAT much, u know. i'm still as crazy as then.

Q: do you have to wear salwar kameezes now that u're married?
A: u watch too many bollywood flicks. where the skimpily clad heroine starts wearing sarees/salwar kurtas the moment she gets hooked. real life, sorry to disappoint u, differs. i still wear what i used to wear then. of course, not literally.

Q: do u like not working?
A: i would like to work, yes. am i unhappy not working... definitely not!

Q: why are u upset if a job doesn't work out, then?
A: complicated. let me just say, when i work towards something and don't get d results, bcoz of some trivial paperwork issues, i get upset. momentarily.

Q: why have u gained so much weight?! *asked to me on orkut by someone who used to work with me long ago*
A: lack of stress. working with people like u caused me a lot of intellectual & emotional trauma. and btw, have u seen a mirror recently? *i've gained abt 10 pounds since coming here. but i'm perfectly happy with my weight.*

Q: when will V graduate?
A: inshallah, this year. if u want the exact dates & stuff, u'll have to speak to his advisors. no, pls don't speak to him.

Q: why do u want a tattoo? it won't suit u.
A: HELLO? WHO the F*%# do u think u are to decide that for me??? i think i can decide what "suits" me. if u have a logical argument, pls put it across.

if u have any additions to make to this list, in terms of questions that annoy u, pls leave them in the comments....

this n that...

flicked this off galadriel...enjoy! while i go recollecting nuggets of wickedness for my next post on fuzzy's tag... hmm...

50. Have you ever saved someone’s life or had your life saved?
V and i married each other. so, yes to both.

51. Make up a definition for the following silly words -
Fruitgoogle: throwing fruit at google when it doesn't come up with a satisfactory answer to d silly question u asked.
Ambytime: what i don't get anymore. my fren 'amby' has disowned me.
Asscactus: condition that occurs when u sit unknowingly on the nearest support in a desert.

52. What was the last thing you made with your own hands?
a greeting card.

53. What was your favorite toy as a child?
a squeezy cat. it was gifted to me on my 1st b'day. and i still have it safe at home in india.

54. How many TVs are in your house?
one. we're poor people. also, we don't watch tv.

55. What is your favorite thing to do outside?
dance on d street with equally crazy frenz.

56. How do you feel when you see a rainbow?
happy & dreamy. simultaneously :)

57. Have you ever dreamt a dream that came true?
i don't r'ber my dreams. of d dreams i dream with open eyes, some come true... some i forget.

58. Have you ever been to a psychic/tarot reader?
naah. wanna try one someday. but i think i need a shrink more.

59. What is your idea of paradise?
it's kind of all-in-d-mind...

60. Do you believe in god and if so what is he/she/it like?
am kinda agnostic. so all help on this one is appreciated.

61. Do you believe in Hell?
d concept? i like it.

62. What one thing have you done that most people haven’t?
QC'ed bhojpuri content for decency - visuals and songs.

63. What is the kindest thing you have ever done?
i don't do kind things. really. if it happens, it's probably coz i see the need. then it's not kindness anymore.

64. Are you a patient person?
yeah. unless u're stupid. *and i'm working on that. my patience, not ur stupidity.*

65. What holiday should exist but doesn’t?
there're already more holidays than reqd. weekends shud be the only holidays.

66. What holiday shouldn’t exist but does?
oh wow! how many shud i name!?

67. What’s the best joke you ever heard?
an ex-client's out-of-office reply was this:
"Hi, I am not in the office till ___. For issues, please call or SMS. But remember, you HAVE the right to remain silent! Thanks."

68. Where is the most fun place you have EVER been?
d hungama mobile office from april 2005 - jun 2006.

69. Is your hair natural or dyed?
dyed. currently, it's bordering on burgundy.

70. Do you have any deep dark secrets or are you pretty much up front?
no deep dark secrets. if they're deep & secret, i'd probably forget them!

71. What is under your bed right now?
a sleeping bag, 2 storage boxes and 2 empty bags.

72. If you were in the Land of Oz would you want to live there or go home?
i wud want the option of returning if i didn't like it.

73. If you drive do you frequently speed?
No. as in, as of now, i don't drive. if i did, i wudn't speed.

74. What is the world’s best song to dance to?
how can there be one? currently, i'm biased towards mika. so, most of his tracks!

75. What song was on the last time you danced with someone?
maahiya. with poo.

76. Do you prefer Disney or Warner Brothers?
DISNEY. till d time suruchi works there.

77. What is the first animal you would run to see if you went to the zoo?
d snow leopard. i love them. i want one.

78. Would you consider yourself to be romantic?
my considering doesn't change the fact that i'm not.

79. If the earth stopped rotating would we all fly off?
wow! i hope so...!

80. What is the one thing that you love to do so much that you would make sacrifices to be able to do it?
nothing. i'll find something else that i love to do.

81. If you (and everyone) had to lose one right or freedom, but you could pick which one everyone had to lose, what would you pick?
d right to judge people. *if that's a right!*

82. If you had to choose would you live on the equator or at the North Pole?
Equator, or thereabouts.

83. Would you rather give up listening to music or watching television?
the idiot box.

84. What do you think makes someone a hero?
a good marketing strategy and effective communication skills.

85. What cartoon would you like to be a character in?
Shadowcat from X-Men.

86. Name one thing that turns your stomach:
public restrooms.

87. What was the last thing you paid for?
coffee at d NY airport.

88. Is there magic even in mundane things?
sure there is!

89. Get anything good in the mail recently?
yeah. minal's mail y'day made me feel nice :)

90. Which would you rather take as a gym class:dancing, sailing, karate, or bowling?
dancing, of course!

91. In Star Trek people beam back and forth between different places. Is the person who gets beamed the same person on both ends?
No. it's almost a clone. check galadriel for technical explanation! :D

92. What insects are you afraid of?
all. mostly, acid bugs.

93. If you could print any phrase on a T-shirt, what would it say?
"here comes sunshine"

94. What’s the most eccentric thing you have ever worn?
hipsters, a belly dancer scarf and a choli. *long, long ago.*

95. If you could pick one food that you could eat all you wanted but it would have no effect on how much you weigh, what food would it be?
moong dal halva and/or cheesecake.

96. What are your parents interested in?
ensuring that my bro and i have happy, fulfilling lives.

97. Have you ever caught an insect and kept it as a pet?
people do that...?

Have you ever caught and tamed a wild animal?
i'm a city-gurl. but wud love to.

98. What is more helpful to you, wishes or plans?
a healthy blend of both.

99. When do you feel your life energy the strongest?
when i'm passionate about what i'm doing. could be anything.

100. You are spending the night alone in the woods and may bring only 3 items with you. What do you bring?
sleeping bag, insect repelling light *charged AND with spare, charged batteries* and d iPod.

p.s.: i don't know y it's numbered like this. it's bothering me. but i'm too lazy to change it now.