Jul 12, 2010

of names. and changing them.

while doing the stereotype tag, i realized i'd forgotten to list down the fact that i haven't changed my surname after i got married. i thought about adding it there, and then didn't.
because i didn't retain my surname so i could go against a stereotype. i didn't do it to rebel. i didn't retain my name coz i'm a feminist. and not because i was leaving everything else behind anyway. in fact, i hadn't even thought about it.
i just didn't. the fact that i didn't have the time to change it when i got married was proven by the fact that nobody thought about it. and now... four years later... it kind of feels futile. now, i realize that i am not sure if i'm okay with changing my surname.

it doesn't mean that i'm not comfortable with adopting the new family.. i have done that, already. i don't need a document to prove it. it's in the conduct.

i don't get the big deal about it.
i have no qualms about admitting that tomorrow, if and when we have a kid, it'll use vin's surname. not mine. like i use my dad's.
because a name is something the parents give you. it is an integral aspect of your identity. apart from a good upbringing, it's the only thing they give you, that remains with you. forever. getting married doesn't mean that you "leave" your family or your identity. not to me, at least.

and most importantly... and this is also the reason i'm not comfortable changing my name, today... it's the only thing i have of my dad's.

i don't see the need to use vin's surname. i have him. with me. every step of the way.
the name is my way of me knowing that my dad is there. with me. every step of the way.
should i give up that feeling just for the sake of not being labelled? not worth it, i think.

17 comments:

Titaxy said...

i don't see why one has to change names after marriage either...

Prashanti :) said...

Exactly my sentiments !!! I also did not change my surname just because of the various paperwork involved but I also feel that a little part of my dad remains with me through that family name.

My dad had a passion for education and now, I feel as if every paper that I publish with my family name will actually make him proud. I know its a stupid feeling but its there.

Compassion Unlimitted said...

//i don't see the need to use vin's surname. i have him. with me. every step of the way.
the name is my way of me knowing that my dad is there. with me. every step of the way. //

Justified & Beautiful contradiction !!
TC
CU

Roli Bhushan-Malhotra said...

Aww Resh..I kinda knew all along the last part. I'm sorry again...
I agree with you not changing your name! I've the best of both worlds, so everyone's happy :)

Galadriel said...

Does changing your name stop your dad from being with you? It doesn't. I don't care either way, but I think it's nice to be known as the SEVs. :)

Of course it doesn't help that the passport office is effing inefficient so that helps the feminist cause a little. :P

celestialrays said...

You have not only penned down my point of view, but exactly what I feel! Spooky! :D

Pixie said...

So true...
The reasoning given, generally, for the change in name doesn't usually make sense or carry any logic behind it!

rayshma said...

pixie: there are reasons - like ownership of property etc that would make sense. others, i'm afraid, make no sense to me.

divvi: hugs! :)

G: if that's the logic, then why doesn't he change his name? anyway, that's your individual opinion. and if it works for you, great.
also, it may not matter as much to you coz you're lucky to still have your dad around. that you can hear his voice when you miss him. anyway, it's an area i wish would not be commented upon. so leave that.

i am not against other people changing their name or their entire identities/lives to suit their marital status. i did change a lot of my life to be with vin. it's their life, they can do what they wish.
to me, yes... changing the name would mean that my dad is not constantly there. it may be childish, but so far it's working okay for me.

roli: it's okay. hugs! and, yeah, it does work out well for you :)

CU: i realize the contradiction... but well... :)
hope all's well with you.

prashanti: you know, it's not childish. in fact, i can totally understand what you're saying.

titaxy: it's easier to not, actually! :D

Pavi!!!! said...

Even I did not change my name after marriage for 3 reasons.. a) the complicated n long process b)helooo, of course…I want my dad’s name to stay with me c)’coz some ppl frm society would have expected me to.

But a few months into marriage..i wanted V’s name to be part of mine, just that funny need..n so I conveniently changed my surname in gmail n orkut n such trivial things.

My official surname remains n will remain my dad’s name .

But really when I think about it..i know having the name as the surname says nothing in reality. It is JUST a name…for those ppl who think that they have disconnected the girl from her family just by getting her to change her last name after marriage..they are sadly mistaken, the bond will remain what it is.

rayshma said...

pavi: i love your comment.
you know, the need to add Vs name to yours that you talk about... i get that!
I had indeed thought about changing my name as well, a year or so into the marriage... but then, for reasons that i don't completely know, i didn't. maybe it was the fact that everything else was so new... that the name gave me the comfort i needed. silly trivial reasons. but it's always the little things! :)

after i lost my dad, however... i realized i felt a different bond with the name, even. i remember wanting to cry when i filled out my name on the immigration form after i got back that summer...
now, i think it's just my way of hanging on to my dad's name... it seems silly at times. bcoz yeah, the name isn't the only bond... and i do get that. but yeah, that's how it is! :)

PURN!MA said...

I want to blog about this. :) its something I think a lot too. will soon come.

As for my comment on this post... You are you, no matter whether you change surnames or not... :)

*I wonder if it gets difficult after you have children? How to explain when s/he says "you don't belong here?" :P :P* hehehe...

Suruchi said...

well i did change the name, nothing for or against it!it is completely a individual's perspective. am completely neutral on this.

Pinku said...

just my feelings.....

rayshma said...

pinku: hugs! hope things are fine with you.

suruchi: yeah, exactly. it is very individual. and it should be kept that way. there's no reason to judge someone either bcoz they change their name or because they don't.

purnima: imo, it wouldn't/shouldn't matter to the children. if anything, it would make it easier to understand that their parents come from two different backgrounds. if anything, it'll make the family tree easier for them.
do post soon :)

Prateek Sur said...

try checking out my post "why only Sur, why not Bagchi as well" and u'll getta know my side of the story..

Tigress said...

You are just talking bout surnames, well in our marriages the gals gotta change her first name too!! Well not me , as I love to defy :)

Only time will tell...

Beyond Indigo said...

I sooooo agree with you!
Thanks for helping me the justifications:) Will use them someday.. hehee.
Hugs:)