over a period of time, this blog has lost the essence of why it was started.
the main reason this space was created was so i could confess.
not just those confessions that would entertain or amuse. but those that i refused to accept while i was in my senses.. or those that i'd never tell anyone to their faces.
coming to the point -
i still hanker for parental acceptance.
there. i've said it. publicly.
almost all my life, i made it very clear that my mom's opinions or decisions about me were not applicable to me. that i didn't care what anyone else thought. i would do exactly what i thought was right for me.
but even then, deep in my heart, i always wanted my mom to understand why i was doing what i was. of course, i was too egoistic to explain or say that to her. but i wanted her to know i cared. while putting on an act of not caring one little bit!
yeah, i never said i was an easy kid.
a lot of water has passed under the bridge from the days of "i'm not asking u, i'm telling you" and "i've already done it. look!" to "yeah, sure! i'll marry him!" today, she even understands that i do love her and will continue to, no matter what! but that's a different topic.
NOW...after all these years... i STILL need her to approve of what i do. to say nice things to me, though she may not understand or mean it! i refuse to stop being the little girl who knew that her mom would still make her fave dinner. despite the fact that she had stomped off into her room and slammed the door shut!
which is why when she tells me how unhappy she is about me "wasting my life" *translated to not working*, or how she believes i should have kids now. i get defensive and yell at her!
this morning, we had a rather heated discussion on how she thinks i should have children. after a few minutes of trying to keep my peace, i told her
"talk to vin. he's more tolerant. will hear you out. and he will say something u would like to hear"
ma: why should i talk to him?! i will talk to you only!
me: i presume that you want me to have kids with him... no?
at this point, she kind of lost her cool and told me to do as i pleased. like i always had. and that she's giving up on me. *i heard this EVERY week when i refused to get married bcoz she wanted me to. i actually missed that line.*
and then, i spent the better half of the morning sulking.
and being nasty to whoever tried to ping me on chat. and then, ultimately realized... no matter how old i am... i'm still gonna need ma to approve of what i do!
now that i'm done with the rant... lemme go burn dinner!