Feb 5, 2009

i want my mommy!

over a period of time, this blog has lost the essence of why it was started.
the main reason this space was created was so i could confess.
not just those confessions that would entertain or amuse. but those that i refused to accept while i was in my senses.. or those that i'd never tell anyone to their faces.

coming to the point -
i still hanker for parental acceptance.
there. i've said it. publicly.

almost all my life, i made it very clear that my mom's opinions or decisions about me were not applicable to me. that i didn't care what anyone else thought. i would do exactly what i thought was right for me.
but even then, deep in my heart, i always wanted my mom to understand why i was doing what i was. of course, i was too egoistic to explain or say that to her. but i wanted her to know i cared. while putting on an act of not caring one little bit!
yeah, i never said i was an easy kid.

a lot of water has passed under the bridge from the days of "i'm not asking u, i'm telling you" and "i've already done it. look!" to "yeah, sure! i'll marry him!" today, she even understands that i do love her and will continue to, no matter what! but that's a different topic.

NOW...after all these years... i STILL need her to approve of what i do. to say nice things to me, though she may not understand or mean it! i refuse to stop being the little girl who knew that her mom would still make her fave dinner. despite the fact that she had stomped off into her room and slammed the door shut!
which is why when she tells me how unhappy she is about me "wasting my life" *translated to not working*, or how she believes i should have kids now. i get defensive and yell at her!

this morning, we had a rather heated discussion on how she thinks i should have children. after a few minutes of trying to keep my peace, i told her
"talk to vin. he's more tolerant. will hear you out. and he will say something u would like to hear"
ma: why should i talk to him?! i will talk to you only!
me: i presume that you want me to have kids with him... no?

at this point, she kind of lost her cool and told me to do as i pleased. like i always had. and that she's giving up on me. *i heard this EVERY week when i refused to get married bcoz she wanted me to. i actually missed that line.*
and then, i spent the better half of the morning sulking.
and being nasty to whoever tried to ping me on chat. and then, ultimately realized... no matter how old i am... i'm still gonna need ma to approve of what i do!

now that i'm done with the rant... lemme go burn dinner!

19 comments:

Galadriel said...

ayyo... tell her that you yourself are a kid, how can she expect vin to take care of one more by himself???

K 3 said...

aww Ray, I am the same way. They call girls 'daddy's princess' but I think we are 'mommy's litte helper' (read slave) all the way! ;)

Anonymous said...

Hey Raysh,

Am a regular lurker on ur space......my desk at work is at a really wierd place...where pple who walk by can look at my screen so i kinda minimize my screen to a decent size so it isnt obvious am blog reading :D ( so much for confession) .....ur new template....makes it impossible for me to read on my minimized screen...can u do somethin abt it......puhleasseeeee.

P.S: Please dont suggest that i read it at home.....i need to stay alert at work ;)

-G

DewdropDream said...

Okay you've gotta stop this posting on the sly soon as Dewdrop leaves thing... it's so not fair!!!!

And ditto on ma's approval... won't admit it, but I need it. Sigh.

And I really don't remember any nastiness when I pinged you. Stop lying :P

Suma said...

awwww...hugs....

i was not an easy kid too...so kinda know what you are getting at...

now, go scorch that dinner, and breakfast and lunch!!!!

:)

La vida Loca said...

I need mommy's approval too, and MIL's...easier to get mom's, MIL..HA!

About babies(since I am in a similar place)- you are doing the right thing.X 10.

PURN!MA said...

yes stomping my foot and marching to my bedroom, happened a few days back here. and I too need this approval, if not I feel guilty, despite my statement 'i know what is right for me'... I call this "All India Mothers' Association" at work.

roop said...

lol don't we all, lovely, don't we all !!! wut did u end up burning?

ur post title attracted me here from mystic marg's blog ... cuz i was missing mommy too today ... albeit for a different reason ;p ... will write about it 'morrow.

'night!! :)

Pinku said...

hey sweety...u are not alone....we all hanker for that acceptance.

and as for kids...tell mom that all in good time and you have a plan worked out.

that should help keep things under control for at least an year or so.

and you cant really fault her for asking for some companions can you??

after all us having kids means feeling very useful and needed for moms. (get the pic?)

Pixie said...

oh yes... mom's approval/permission is still a must for so many things...

Pavi!!!! said...

Awww..hope ur doing better today? n things have returned to normal.

n ya..thats how i feel abt my ma as well..i hate it when she said and says "Do wat u want".I need her to say "yes, thats fine and correct". I just HAVE to hear it.i think our mommys know this u know!!thats why they take advantage!!

n abt the baby thingy..u know when my nani(who i adore) chews my brain abt it..i give her a fake laugh at this end of the fone n say "Dont worry pati..it will happen when it has to". I think at that point she gets confused abt whether we are already trying..n so wont pursue the topic..as shes worried i mite get upset ;) Try that trick!

rayshma said...

pavi: tried that last year! :D
there's only so much u can laugh off! :D

pix: hehe... surprising, na?!

pinku: yeah! get the pic! :D vin keeps saying "six months, don't worry!" HAHAHA!!! :D she's caught onto that, i think!
but thanks. helps to know i'm not alone! :D

roop: welcome here. and sorry... for the misleading title! will drop by and check out ur space soon! :)

purnima: don't EVER let our moms meet! :D however, we MUST!

loca: strangely, MIL was easier to please! :D

suma: hehehe!! :D

dewdrop: oops i did it again! :D hehehe!! :D
and bitch! stop complaining because i'm nice to u!

Anon (G): will change it... soon! :D and thanks for delurking! :) always a pleasure to know i'm being read on the sly! :D

k3: absolutely!! :)

galadriel: erm... HE is the kid. u forgot what i told u about official explanation given to random ppl who ask?! sigh!

batty said...

OUCH!
well..my perspective is - once you're a mom, ur a mom for life
its a serious decision that needs a lot of consideration and serious thought...take it easy
:)

Kippie® said...

aww! :D
Don't you ever get that one about 'turning into my mom' - That's my thing!

p.s - burning dinner sounds sooo familiar!

alice-in-wonder said...

'Tis very brave of you girl, to go and confess publicly, even though it is your own blog.

Suruchi said...

how abt having kids...u guys shld na!! u tend to get defensive when u know what your mom says is right!

Anonymous said...

You are the sweetest or wat??? Thanks a ton gal....love ya!!!

-G

roop said...

ahh don't we all!!!

want their approval still. although i'm actively working on gettin' over it. *huggz* to ya! :))

u kno wha ... we were gonna drive to college station yesterday! heard a lot about a & m uni ... then put it off till next weekend! this is soo cool. :))) woo finally a blogger buddy who's in texas. we'd be in college station coming weekend most likely ... that'd be awesome!! :)

roop said...

sheesh, i just saw that i wrote 'don't we all' thing again. i had written it previously too.

so seriously .... it really is so true. heh