so...

SO much has happened since i last stopped by here. (discounting, 3Ds birthday post, of course. )

so much has happened around me. to me. to my friends.

i didn't realize that 2011s as good as over.

i have one semester left of school. then what, i don't know.

i haven't been home since 2008. yeah. i don't know when i'll be back next.

friends that i live & die for have had kids, but haven't changed (thank heavens for that!). everybody's going through life... with its ups & downs. and i can't really 'be there-be there' for them.

i miss them. and i know they miss me. but there's precious little that can be done about it. so we all suck it up and continue. living.

the year's not been bad, now that i think of it.

i started working on-campus. i became financially independent (almost) again.

i met some amazing people. realized that every individual has the potential in them to be good. not all realize it. not all want to be good. but those who do, are worth the time & effort you can spare them. i don't know how long i'll know these people, but I'm learning to separate the gems from the riff-raff.

i didn't have time to think about whether i'm happy. and i guess that's why i've been mostly happy.

i don't think a lot of people come here anymore. which is fair, considering that i haven't been reading most blogs i used to. but i didn't want to let this space die. it's given me some wonderful friends. and i will always owe them to this space. and i can't let something that special die an abandoned death! so, i promise... i shall be here more often in 2012. i shall try and write rubbish and entertain the few that stop by. and i shall try and write sense, so that i can retain my own insanity.

happy birthday!

i know i've neglected this space for way too long.

but here i am. again. by special request.

on a very special day.

to wish someone super special, a fantastic birthday!!!

so, dear dewdropdreams... dewdette...3D... whatever it is that this virtual world calls you - wish you a magical birthday! and a super fantastic 2012. i really do wish i get to see you soon.

coz i miss you.

more than i miss this space.

more than i miss having time for myself.

more, maybe, than i miss bombay.

coz if you're here, it'll be home.

MUAH!

love you, child. now, and always! have fun! :)

p.s.: and to anybody else who stops by... wish you a fantastic 2012. i promise, i'll come by here more often. pucca promise, that! :)

justifying cheapness and abandoning children

commuter announcement this morning:
"this is the last stop. please remember to take all your belongings with you. that includes children. 'cos if you don't want them, we don't want them either."

------------------------------
me and vin discussing how some men are blatantly cheap.
me: they don't even look at your face... they constantly stare down at your cleavage. i feel like snapping and saying "here... up here. down there - they don't talk!"
vin: i think that explains why they stare. at least down there, nothing talks back!

------------------------------

while at the cafe with a colleague, i ran into this moron i happen to know from one of my classes.
he smiled at me, 'waved' at the colleague (whom, he does not know at all) and continued to smile till we left from there. (this happened on more than one occasion)
colleague: is... erm... do i know the guy? is he your friend?? WHY does he wave at me?
me: oh, lord no! you don't even need to know him. and NO, not my friend.
colleague: oh... umm... is he special needs?!

i wish the explanation was that easy. really.

time...

i missed my train this morning. so i had some 15 odd minutes to spare. i didn't have the touch with me, and i don't usually bring out my laptop at stations. so i sat down, contemplating how these missed 15 minutes would affect the pace of the rest of my day.

i love clocks. esp the ones at stations - the huge, old ones. with arms, not numbers on them. between my "how-can-i-make-up-for-lost-time" and "what-was-it-i-had-to-do" state of mind, my eyes were drawn to the clock that hung past the staircase at the station... and i realized the simple pleasure of having the time to notice an arm of the clock move a minute ahead. it was just a minute, but it seemed like such a great effort for the arm. so much movement, such little progress?

makes me wonder if that's what i'm doing. putting in so much effort, to move less than an inch?

just like that...

i love school. and i hate school.

with equal intensity. don't ask me how that's possible. it just is.

i miss my friends. a little more than i used to. and i still haven't made much of an effort to connect with them. i think i'm just a little too tired to reach out at the moment. and i hope they'll hang on. and be patient with me.

it's strange. how on some days, you want some friend to be there. not just any friend. you want 'a' particular friend on 'a' particular day for no particular reason.

when you start forging new friendships, you crave for the familiarity of the older ones. even while you're still trying to figure out how much you can rely on whom. and you realize that the traits you're looking for, the familiarity you're seeking, will never be found in another. that you have to get acquainted with people with a clean slate. a clear mind. no biases. because when you harbor biases prior to making friends, when you think "oh, that's so like XYZ..." you more often than not end up trying to be friends with the wrong people.

and it's so not worth the effort.

conversationally...

was reading up for an assignment... friend from school (and in the same class, too) calls...
F: what are you doing?"
me: reading 'issues with efficiency'
F: hahaa... you need to read that.
me: erm... YOU need to read that, too
F: what? why? I'm not efficient!!!

-------------------
after a really hectic week at school, I'd hardly had time to talk to vin. Friday, he was to drop me at the station. I wasn't sure what time I'd be returning... so didn't know how I'd let him know what time to pick me up.

me: you don't have network in office... how will I tell you when I'm leaving?
vin with a totally dazed expression on his face...
"please don't leave me?"

life...

life is not a fairy tale. or a movie. there is no one ending. there is no 'happily ever after'.

there are multiple endings. to the little beautiful moments that make you look back and miss 'those' days. as are there multiple beginnings.

it's life... you're allowed to make a fool of yourself. to trust and fail. to realize that people aren't all that you've made them out to be... to worship false idols. to dream dreams that will never be realized. to hurt people who matter to you. to let them hurt you. to know that we are all human... and to actually realize that. to know that everybody you count on will let you down at least once... and that doesn't mean you can't count on them. just that 'that' wasn't their day.

because life is not restricted to a couple hours. we make mistakes. we learn. we move on. we make new mistakes. and learn new lessons.

it's life. it goes on.

to new beginnings...

I've been thinking of doing this post for a while now. Then I thought that I should go ahead with it the way I have with the past decade. Not too much thought. But as much heart as I put into everything I do. Well, almost everything! :)

But, it's been a VERY interesting decade. A lot has changed. A lot remains the same. I've lived, I've loved, I've lost, I've learned. I've realized the worth of life. And the little moments that make it thus.

This post may not be very lucid. But then, neither was the decade. Neither is life.

- I don't judge anymore. people, relationships, situations. I don't have an opinion on what should work. Because I realize that it's none of my business what someone else does in their life. I always believed in living and letting live. now, I actually practice that.

- From yearning for knowing-it-all, I know now that i can never know enough. That there's nothing called enough. there never will be.

- I'm back in school - I started grad school in 2000 and now almost in 2011. Yeah, it took me a decade to understand the importance. Hopefully, this time I'll make the most of it. And not go through the motions coz I need to get on with life.

- 10 years ago, I was looking to find myself. Today, I know that there isn't just one me. I'm like those russian dolls they sell at colaba causeway. You open one to find another inside and you can never know how many there are inside. *maybe you can, but I like not knowing* There's so many mes that sometimes I surprise myself and I love that element of unpredictability. That feeling of not knowing how I'll react to something.

- I understand the importance of true friends. Of people who will stand by you despite knowing you for you. Because they know you. Because they love you. And always will. Even if you ignore them for a while. People who will wait for you. Who will be there for you at your weakest, most vulnerable moments and not once mention it after that. People who will see you grow, who will give you the space to grow and secretly feel proud of you. I'm glad i've realized their importance. And happier that I've found some such people. Honored that they think I'm worth it.

- I never thought i'd leave my career for a man. I did. And after half a decade *almost*, I have no regrets either. Yeah, I surprise myself.

- I realized that the loss of someone close will always remain just that, a loss. And nothing can fill that up. Not time, not distance, not someone else. That people ARE irreplaceable. You may hide the vacuum, conceal it, suppress it... but it will remain. In the depths.

- I am no longer insecure about myself. I've worked long and hard and I finally accept myself for who I am, for how I am. For how I will be. I'm not perfect. Which is why I'm human.

- I realize that "I want!" is not a good enough reason for everything to be dropped into my lap. That I have to work for it. That it's only when you yearn for something that you realize how much it means. It's only when you don't have it, when you realize how precious it is. I've realized that I can't take anything for granted. And I've come to treasure things that I know I can't live without. And people.

- I've realized that there is no equivalent to girlfriends. I know that I can count on mine at any hour of the day or night... for anything. however irrelevant. But they'll be there. And I will be there for them. Even at 3 AM IST! :D

- I realize now that no matter how critical an issue may seem like right now. Someday, in the not-so-distant-future, I'll have the ability to look back and laugh it off. I just know I have the strength to do it. As a friend put it, "it's all relevant, till it's not".

There's a lot more that can't be put into bullet points. The little things, the humor, the conversations, the jibes, the vibes... the little things that make a decade memorable, but are too personal to be put up on a blog... and for that, I'm grateful. Here's hoping that this decade lives up to or betters the previous one!

that time again

New Year, new template.
And hopefully, more posts.

If anybody's still around - Cheers! And wish you a very happy 2011... :)