justifying cheapness and abandoning children

commuter announcement this morning:
"this is the last stop. please remember to take all your belongings with you. that includes children. 'cos if you don't want them, we don't want them either."

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me and vin discussing how some men are blatantly cheap.
me: they don't even look at your face... they constantly stare down at your cleavage. i feel like snapping and saying "here... up here. down there - they don't talk!"
vin: i think that explains why they stare. at least down there, nothing talks back!

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while at the cafe with a colleague, i ran into this moron i happen to know from one of my classes.
he smiled at me, 'waved' at the colleague (whom, he does not know at all) and continued to smile till we left from there. (this happened on more than one occasion)
colleague: is... erm... do i know the guy? is he your friend?? WHY does he wave at me?
me: oh, lord no! you don't even need to know him. and NO, not my friend.
colleague: oh... umm... is he special needs?!

i wish the explanation was that easy. really.

in conversation

The other day, when he thought he's getting late while coming to pick me up:

vin: if I get late, wait RIGHT there, ok?

me: of course I'll wait. where will I go?

vin: no. don't go with anyone else. i WILL come to get you.

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The other evening, when I was waiting for a friend at the station, a random man who was passing by paused, looked at me, did a double-take and said "boy! you're really beautiful!" and walked on before i could react or say thanks.

when I got home, I mentioned this to vin.

In typical filmy style, his response:

"aaj se tumhara college jaana bandh!"

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We debated this morning about how V has no sense of order and leaves his things lying around the house.

In the evening, there are dollar bills lying on the center table. I didn't leave them there. So I turn to Vin, raise an eyebrow, and accusingly say

"what are these dollar bills doing here?"

the man, having learned a LOT in the past four years looks at me and says
"oh that's for later in the evening. when you start stripping?"

p.s.: clarifications.

No, I do not go off with random people at train stations.

and no, I do not strip later in the evenings. any evenings. just saying.

oh, dear!

me: vin, cut your nails, dude...
vin: no, it's a defense mechanism. i will not cut.
me: defense?? when a deer crosses your path, you'll attack it with ur claws?
vin: not that deer. YOU, dear. this is all for you!

me chatting with a friend this morng, typed "MIAOWWW" in his window instead of deweys.
me to dewey: dude, i just typed your miaow in Ms window and he asked " subah kya maarke baithe ho aaj?"
dewey: tell him "maowjito hai"

again, chatting with dewey... she types a whole lot of sentences. me, who is busy trying to catch snowflakes... doesn't get the drift:
me: eh? what... who ? taiwan??
dewey: haan. taiwan. tum kya behosh hoke abhi uthi ho?

me to vin: nobody loves me.
vin: suruchi ko bolu kya?!

me telling G that when i told my ma abt baby bear, she thought it was a VERY little baby and said "uthaya nahi usko?"
G: tell aunty that if you'd uthao'ed that baby, then her baby wouldn't be here today!

well, that's what we've been upto.

biker chic

on the way back home from a lovely weekend at the beach, a group of bikers pass us... conversation, automatically, veers to bikers. and my fascination for the breed.

me: would be SO kewl if you had one of those bikes, no?
vin: for you, you mean?
me: of course! i already have a tattoo, leather boots, jacket and an 'i-give-a-fuck' attitude. i almost qualify for being one of them!
vin: hmm... the pillion seat is called a bitch seat.
you TOTALLY qualify for that!

for 'better' or for 'worse'?

after a really genuine attempt at seizing the cheese fries out of vin's hand... i failed. i don't take that very nicely - not winning, that is. so i did what i do best. i used the claws.
and then, i did what i do next best. i made puppy faces, so he won't get too bugged. *yeah, that still works - depending on the seriousness of the damage.*

he looks at the gash, then at me. and quips:
"thank god you're the better half. wonder WHAT would happen if you were the worse."

what did u say again...?

it has been proven. my friends are mad. all of them. also, they're REALLY entertaining. so reproducing chats - mostly with permission. suruchi/vibs... i don't need ur permission :P

me: how old is she?
X: 24
me: child marriage!! heyy bhagwaan!!!!
X: arre no, i am actually one year younger
me: what? as compared to...???
X: than my official age.
eh? ever heard of anyone like this?

suruchi: are u allowed to legally keep pubs at home there?
me: PUBS? u mean CUBS, right? well...
typos are an interesting way of life now... :)

A: when're u having kittens, catty?
me: not yet. but will let u know. y the sudden concern?
A: then i'll gift them a yarn of wool.
dewdrop's addition to this conversation:
when they're kittens, they can play with it. once they grow up, u can knit mittens for ur kittens.
conveniently forgetting that I can really not knit. and my kittens will be human!

me: main tumpar book likhungi
J: likho. it will be a bestseller. loyalty mujhe dena
me: ???
uncertain pause.
me: loyalty u have. Royalty, i'll pay u.
hmm.. forgetting R is just not done, is it?

me: arre the n'bours cat - chocolate - stalks me, u know.
A: he must be discussing with his friends over a pint of milk at the cat-bar later... of how there's this hot indian cat who's shifted into the building.
me: yeah right! arre he's scary.
A: poor chocolate. you'd make a great couple, u know... chocolate and rayshma.
me: hahaa... u've lost it!
A: purrfect pair. it'll make a great movie also.
me: ???
A: presenting... a love story of 2 cats, in a world that's gone to the dogs.
me: hahaa! u're gonna make it?
A: yeah. and i'll get pussycat dolls and snoop dogg for the soundtrack.
i should've pitched for digital rights! ;)

i get a mail from J saying "am online, login?" so i do.
me: am so happy u're online! :)
J: 4 minutes.
me: what?
J: i'm online for 4 mins.
WTF!!!

me: i was watching chocolate *refer above* attempt to stalk a bird today.
dewdrop: then what happened?
me: by the time he could move, the bird had flown off. going by his size, he should hunt deer.
dewdrop: hehe... what would u do if he'd caught the bird?
me: well, nothing. what did u think?
dewdrop: you could have snatched the bird from him actually.
okkk....

Vibs: WHERE are the skimpy clothes u are giving me?
me: arre i have to die for u to get them.
Vibs: oh. i thought because u're in london u're giving them away.
me: no no... later. there'll be more till then.
vibs: i'll wait, then.
silence...
me: :(
vibs: not for u to die, idiot!!!
well, anyone who thought otherwise here???

share spare bed?

the english language is very phunny. i was house-hunting on an online site. this is what i come across.

"nice, spacy double room in 3 bed house. good located. nearing tube 5 minutes. two bed taken. we look for female to share other bed with. non-smoking only please. if you interest, mail to me. also you can call --- *number*"

if u must ask, i got scared, and didn't mail her. also, i couldn't pronounce her name.

p.s.: this is post # 301. somebody stop me!

inquisitiveness... u're a process!

now that i'm done with the visa process, i can finally blog this! i HATE all visa processes! the last time was a nightmare with the US visa. this time, a lot better with the U.K.

but i like the UK. i can relate to it. their questions are so desi! i could imagine a pot-bellied indian govt official asking them to me. but of course, they're nice. and really helpful, if u must know. really. unlike what any indian govt official has been to me, so far.

at the beginning of the application, they insist we must submit our original documents. because, to quote them "It is better to explain why you do not have a document than to submit a false document in its place."
so sweet.

after asking me the basic details, we come to the part of children.
do you have any children?
what amazed me was the tone of the questions that would follow if i said YES.
where do these children live?
where are these children now?

uhh... am glad i don't have kids yet!
so i click no, and move on...

will any other children be traveling with you?
hain? WHY would i want OTHER children with me? i like kids n all... but i don't like traveling with them. really.

then, there are three pages asking me to 'fess up if i'm a criminal. i doubt a criminal would cave-in to the nature of the questions, but i guess they need to ask them by security standards.
however, while going through them, i was tempted to say yes when i was asked if i have been involved in anti-social activities in the past. i asked vin... "uhh... is turning up nose at new desi neighbor an anti-social activity?? do they need to know that? will it affect my visa app?" i followed vin's advice and said "no" to the question... if u must ask. so now i presume i'm quite social.

next question:
Have you, ever been a member of, or given support to an organisation that has been concerned in terrorism?
wishful answer: if you grant me a visa, i'm a hungama employee. we regularly terrorize our clients and competitors. we actually take pride in that... but i guess that doesn't count. if u mean national terrorism, then no. corporate? yes! :)
actual answer: NO.

Have you engaged in any other activities that might indicate that you may not be considered a person of good character?
wishful answer: there may be people who think so. but i wouldn't include them in my references, u know. and will someone please define "good character" to me?!
actual answer: NO.

this one had me completely foxed.
what do u intend to do in the UK?
erm... i dunno... travel around. see the place, the people that ruled us for so many years. i've heard it's a beautiful country...

do u have family here? do you intend to visit them?
HAHAHA... i'd love to not visit any family, u know! anywhere!

and then, u come to my favorite part... which made me feel like i'm going through an interrogation by an aunt in dilli or kanpur...
how much do you earn every month?
how much do you spend every month?
how much does your husband earn?
What is the cost to you personally, of your stay there?
How much of your total monthly income is given to your family members and other dependents?
Who will pay for your travel?
Who will pay for your food & acco?

erm... am so glad i knew the answers. and i guess they're correct too.
u know, end of the day... i AM glad i got my visa. i'd have gone through this for nothing otherwise! of course, now i'm also prepared to attend family weddings and give the "sahi jawaab!"

disclaimer: this may not be verbatim, unless said so... this is what i remember. and like most things in this blog, please take this with a pinch of salt.

humor in daily life...

we had friends staying with us. they were sitting in the living room watching animal planet. some show abt saving some snow fox or some such cute looking animal. i still don't know which animal. i waltzed in mid-way while an australian wild-life enthusiast played with the creature.
me: awww... SO cute!!! what IS he??
H (friend): *giving me a rather surprised, confused look* umm... u think he's cute?
me: of course!! who wouldn't. i've never seen that before though. WHAT is he?
H: they're referred to as "homo sapiens". this one is a white male. australian, to be precise. there are lots of these around, actually. your neighbor? the one you turned up your nose at last evening? he's also the same specie. though not australian. i'm surprised you hadn't 'noticed' one before. esp since i'm one too.

and that was the joke of the weekend. hmph!
and YES, i can identify humans. it was the fox i was asking about.

same-same, but different

i wanted to use this title since i saw b'bay to bangkok.. dunno why. just another idiotic thing that stuck in my head! :D

some people influence ur life. in ways that they don't know. something like that seems to have happened with me and suruchi's hubby, ashish. neither of us knew that he'd influenced me in any way! not till i decided whom to marry at least. THEN, we realized how like him Vin was. and suruchi and i got a brand new topic to bitch about.

here's why we think our once extremely marriageable husbands *no, they're not available now!* are mele-mein-bichde-hue bhai!

:: they're both born in april. *it's ashish's happy bud-day today... wish him y'all!*
:: both needed a tutorial to scrap on orkut. they still rely on their wives' to upload/change pics there.
:: both don't see the big deal about getting married. they can't understand commitment phobia. *from men, or women.*
:: neither knows how to upload songs on a shuffle/iPod. :D
:: they do NOT speak while eating. they believe that food must be focussed upon. *yeah, rule out candle-lit dinners!*
:: they can't multi-task. hmm... eating while talking is also multi-tasking, u see.
:: they both have receding hairlines. *they blame it on their wives. but i have proof that vin had a receding hairline prior to marrying me!*
:: they both aspire to have long, flowing, rock-star tresses.
:: their alter-ego is that of a rock-star. yeah, reality hits home very frequently when u have wives like us! :D
:: they indulge their wives. not because they have to, but coz they like to. *that's what we like to believe!*
:: they are romantics at heart, but have no clue how this sentiment can be conveyed to us. actually, they don't see the need for conveying. it's there. that should be enough, no? NO!
:: they don't flirt or ogle at other women. they don't comprehend when any woman flirts with them. they report incidents back home to the respective wife who THEN tells them that maybe the woman was hitting on them! then, of course we login and bitch about them! LOL!
:: they can't understand how we could earn a living by selling mobile content.
:: they don't understand the affinity to the cult. *mine's better in this case. he has cured me of the bonding to a large extent!*
:: they were both extremely patient even during the weddings. i would have slapped the next person who came up for a pic while i was starving!! i'm sure suruchi would have too! :D
:: they believe that suruchi & me talking regularly can only lead to trouble! :D *vin's actually scared of suruchi!*
:: they wake up at unearthly hours like 7a.m. even on holidays and/or weekends!!!! while their wives can sleep till noon, if allowed. sigh!
:: they think their wives are VERY tech savvy! LOL!!!
:: they give in to persistent nagging about seeing really bad hindi movies. and sit thru the movie - comments & all - and actually smile at the end of it! *yeah, it's more out of relief that the movie's over*
:: their wives love dancing, while they insist they have two left feet!
:: that song from the old raj kapoor movie, sangam: "main kya karu ram, mujhe buddha mil gaya" would be a perfect fit for them both! :D

it's uncanny how alike they are! suruchi, if i've missed out on things, leave a comment, i'll add it here...
all said & done, putting up with us can be a task at times. here's a toast to the fact that you both understand that you really can't do anything about it now! :)

**edited to add ashish's comment. my comments on the comment in italics.

Hey i want to add my comment here...since i am the person being talked about ...and some things should be clarified for ppl who are going to read this blog:

1. I don't own ipod, never did, nor someone close to me ever did (i move among the non tech, non cool guys and gals) so its incorrect to assume at this point of time that i wont know how to upload a song. *that was just an example. do u know how to set customized RBTs, eh? mobile toh u have, rite?! :P excuses!*
2. I dont focus on food....i pray to it. i have had so many terrifying experiences when food is concerned that a good meal is worth praying to (before we have any smart comments on this, Suruchi cooks good food) *candle-light dinners are supposed to be romantic, u know! u shud relax. and TALK to ur wife! WHILE eating.*
3. Our wives are solely to blame on our receding hairline. No matter what Reshma says...and Vin will agree. *i have photographic evidence that this is not true. at least for vin. shall wait for suruchi to comment on urs!*
4. Suruchi not working on a particular day is more troublesome than suruchi and reshma talking *LOL! completely agree!*

Suruchi's comments. the last one's a classic. *
1.Neither of them understand Bong...we do :)
2.On receding hair line...even i have evidences and eye witnesses to prove my innocence.
3.On I-pod,ashu will look at it ,turn it around and say...isme song kaha se upload karte hai..LOL!

i think i should send this to vin... :0)

u ask for money? u die?!

got this from here

and if u're like me and feel lazy to click on links... here's the gist of what it says: man *in moscow* killed hairdresser bcoz he did not want to pay for the haircut. also, he did not have the money. so he hit her on the head with a hammer and stabbed her 12 times with his knife. the amount was $4.10 (100 rubles).

yeah, u read that right. and here i am hounding the godfather-like ex-boss for $1400+... what have i been thinking!?

this was just an ordinary man. who knows what arsenal the boss may deploy.
but i need the money... more coz i've worked for it already.
awwww...... please boss... don't kill me, okay? u'll have my blog frenz *and of course, V* to answer if u do!

i'm hungry...!

Have a gr8 spring break y'all!
vibs sent this to me this morng with a note: "so like u"... it's not. really! but it's really cute! :)

the difference...

the difference between the ideal and the real world. sigh!