thought for the week.

titled thus, coz i can't think of a title for this piece... will change it if and when i do.

every girl dreams of getting married. at some point of time in our lives, we have all fantasized about our very own knight in shining armor/tux... on horseback or in convertibles... who'll whisk us away to the happy land of forever. those disney fairy tales, bollywood and chick-flicks only add to it as u're growing up. but life is not a fairy tale. and it doesn't end at marriage. it begins there.

and it is something that nothing conditions us for. we are not in the least prepared for what happens after. of all the expectations from us. of all the so-called responsibilities. and yes, it is more difficult for the woman. she is "expected" to embrace an entire new family. overnight, everything is supposed to change. and i agree, it changes for both... but it's the woman who has left her "home"... she's the one who can't expect tea in bed anymore. if the couple lives out of the country, when they go back to the country, they're supposed to stay at his place - visiting her parents. not fair? well, heck no! but that's the way it is, isn't it? i know, for a fact, that when i have gone back to india... and stayed with my parents... i've raised eyebrows.

things like "a woman should go to her in-laws house first" or "she must change her name when she marries" or "she now 'belongs' to her husband" or "her parents shouldn't be living with her permanently" are things that sound EXTREMELY regressive to me. but apparently, they're not. most parents of ppl i know "believe" that their daughter's house is not their house once she's married. they wouldn't stay there unless it's a visit or they have no other option. and i've heard this from so many relatives and family friends *wrt their daughters/sons* that it really stopped being funny.

why does this seem so normal to us.. that we either don't think about it much or totally dismiss it as a part of life? i know that i'm the wrong person to be doing this piece or asking these questions... i have accepted most of this... willingly, even... and i am quite happy. but that doesn't change anything, does it?
i never had issues about it. in fact, i never thought about it. it was the way i was conditioned since i was a kid, i guess. everything in my upbringing conditioned me for the fact that someday i would leave my parents' home. not for a career, but by virtue of marriage. *i don't think "love" would be the appropriate word here* i still do not have issues. but that is because i've ended up being really lucky about my decisions. not smart, as i say i am... but merely lucky.

i did leave behind my parents, my friends, my career and everything that i called "life" till that point... to be with vin. and i was scared. the first 2 days in vin's home were terrifying for me. i've never said this before... but i wanted to run away to the security of my own house. my own room. everybody was really nice... but it was all so new for me. and i was SO unprepared. even the sharing a closet. yes, silly tiny detail... but i had NEVER shared my closet with anyone! and it was a big deal for me. i need some space when i wake up in the morng... and i didn't know whether i could still get it. whether i was wrong in expecting it. and i had NO idea how to deal with it. but, as always... i digress.

what i don't u'stand is this: why is it that we are "okay" with moving out of our own homes... leaving our parents behind, so to speak... why don't we expect a guy to do all of this for us? and if we do... is that so wrong? if it's not wrong, why is it frowned upon?
or are we taught from a young age that we have to someday, move out of our homes, "adjust" to living with someone else's family...? it's the 0-point-something women living in metropolitan india who would understand *if, at all* that adjusting is not compromising. what about the rest? and we... the so-called educated, urban, smart... liberated and mostly, intelligent women. would we raise our children without such stereotypes? or is there some logic to all of this 'this isn't your home once u're married' crap, that maybe, i'm missing?

suruchi did this post on bidaai... and we got into a discussion. on marriage. and now i'm rather confused. and she's abandoned me and gone off! so i'm posting this here... as an open discussion. let me know what you think.

life is simple.

a close fren of mine recently asked me "why did u marry V?"
and he set me thinking. i don't know. why does anybody marry anybody?

i gave him the usual gyaan that i give almost anybody who asks me for any gyaan on the topic. but i know. i hadn't used any theory. i hadn't made a bullet-point list of pro's and con's when it came to V. he asked me if i'd marry him. and i said yes. i didn't even realize that this was the first and probably, last time that any man would ask me to marry him. i didn't get butterflies in my stomach while i said yes. i don't think i even realized what i'd committed to till we were actually exchanging rings. after that, it was too late to think, wasn't it?! so i didn't think of it after that.

i'm not a very mushy, emotional woman. i know where my heart is on most days. and this non-thinking, going with the moment works for me. i seldom think about what i'm going to do. i'm impulsive. and so far, it's helped.

i wasn't "madly in love" with him, then. in fact, i wasn't "madly in love" with anyone. coz i didn't believe in being "madly in love". *conceptual issues!* it was a very filmy emotion for me. restricted to the crappy movies i keep watching. 'love' to me is a mix of compatibility, attraction, moments of passion and more than all, the WILL to commit the rest of your life to ONE significant other. *that's another topic for another day...*

his *my frenz, not V's* bone of contention was "how d'u know u won't come across someone better after u've taken the step and gotten married?" well, dear... i don't. nobody can predict the future. but for me, marriage was not about fairy tale romance. it was about waking up to face the same person every day. consistently. it was not about feeling the alleged "thrill" of being in love daily. it was about being with someone who loves me enough to want me for the rest of his life. it was about knowing that he'll be there for me IF & WHEN i were to fall.
and now i know, it's about hugging ur hubby voluntarily when he comes home...tired & smelling like chicken feed. *THIS is entirely situational. and does NOT happen daily, mind u!*

life is simple. until we complicate it with our thought processes. it's not about "finding" someone better than u have. it's about making a choice. and not looking back.